


Life Is Hard

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-07
Updated: 2013-08-07
Packaged: 2017-12-18 01:12:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 35,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/873996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>High school!AU in which life most definitely sucks, things are completely difficult, and all five boys are in a therapy group together. (Because sometimes talking with people whose problems are worse than yours can actually be helpful.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Zayn doesn't want to be here. If he had to take a guess, he would say _no one_ wanted to be here. Looking around, he can count about six other boys in the room and they've all got big scowls on their faces, minus the counselor of the group who is in fact _smiling_. Zayn knows what he wants; he wants the same thing his _mom_ wants. He wants him to open up and cry or something, but Zayn can't actually do that. He can't think about _that_. He doesn't want to answer any questions, and he doesn't want to see anyone, and least of all does he want to be in some dumb _therapy group_ with a bunch of boys who are as unhappy as he is.

The counselor clears his throat. "Good afternoon, fellas, settle down," the man says, even though none of them were talking in the first place. This is their first meeting and everyone is really ridiculously _awkward_. Zayn isn't surprised. They're all obviously messed up –they're _here_ \- and when you can tell something like that, then it's sort of useless to try to make small talk. There's a big question hanging above each of their heads, and it's _screaming_ to be answered, but Zayn has no plans of sharing, and he doesn't have many plans to listen either. "My name is Paul and I…"

Zayn tunes out immediately. He doesn't want to _be here_ , and he doesn't care about some uplifting tirade from some grumpy looking guy stuffed up in a suit and tie.

He thinks it would be easier if his mom would just not care like everyone else. Maybe he should want attention from everybody, but the little given to him has sent him to this hellish place, and that makes it all seem not worth it. He doesn't want to _be_ here. And he _knows_ he's bitching about it, but it's either bitch or cry, and it's already been determined that Zayn has no intentions of crying.

"… So that's what we'll be doing this meeting," the counselor –Paul, Zayn supposes- finishes, and Zayn realizes that it might have been a good idea for him to have been paying attention, what with the way the other boys are nodding. Some seem more enthusiastic than others, and Zayn decides that if Paul expects him to _share_ , much less _address the group_ , then he's got another thing coming.

Luckily, whatever Paul has planned seems to involve the boy directly to the left of him, who he nods at. Zayn watches with disinterest as the curly haired bloke squirms in his seat, twisting his hands together.

"Hello… I'm Harry…" the boy says slowly, and Zayn wonders if he's thinking really hard or just awkward. "I'm here because…" Another too long pause for Zayn's liking. "I don't like my dad, I guess. And he doesn't quite like that I don't like him," Harry finally finishes, and Zayn has to admit he's a bit curious, but then Paul nods at the guy next in the circle, and Zayn's annoyed.

The next kid is possibly the most ginger person he's ever seen. And it's not because he's got red hair, but because he's got _so much_ of it. There's never really a place where it stops or begins, which is fine, Zayn supposes, but really? Why settle for so much? "Howya, I'm Ed," he says a little too cheerfully for Zayn's liking, but at least he's faster at speaking than Harry, "My girlfriend pulled this wicked break up on me a few months ago and now… now everything just kind of sucks. Except for beer. And alcohol. Both really. Both of those things don't suck." Zayn can now see how the other boy is swaying a bit in his seat, and he realizes _that's_ why he seemed so happy. Ed looked over to the boy next to him, a little, scrawny doe-eyed lad, and clapped him on the shoulder. "You're turn, mate," he hiccupped.

Except the boy didn't say anything. He just shivered and made the smallest of whimpering noises.

Paul leaned forward in his seat. "Niall, I know you're nervous, you have the right to be and we all respect that here," he said, and Zayn nearly gagged, "But this is a safe place. You can talk here. Go ahead and introduce yourself. Tell us what's wrong." But Niall _didn't_ introduce himself, he just shook a little more, and looked desperately at the kid next to him, who seemed to catch his worried eye.

"If it's all the same, sir, I think I'll do it," he said. Paul frowned, but nodded, and the boy next to Niall chirped up again. "This is Niall, and he's here because his last family really sucked. I'm Liam, his foster-brother, and I don't know… not having real parents is kinda like… heavy. So I figured coming here to support Niall and meanwhile do some stuff for me." The other boy winced. "I just kinda feel like I don't have a direction."

Liam turned to face the boy next to Zayn. He had sat by him cause he had seemed normal enough, and so far so good. The other lad cleared his throat and sat up straight. "I'm Lou, and I'm here because _I'm_ stupid," he said, not bitterly, but not happily like Ed had.

All eyes were suddenly on Zayn.

He scowled. "I'm Zayn, and I shouldn't be here at all," he said, standing up fast enough to knock his chair over and leave the room.

* * *

Harry just can't take the _yelling_ anymore.

He's seated in the same seat as last week. He wasn't very keen on being stuck next to the ever-drunk Ed, but he had been near late to their session, and there was only one set of two seats next to each other left, and he felt like it would be cruel to separate that poor, messed-up Niall kid from his brother. Paul is rambling on about how this week they were going to talk about what made them feel _tired_ , and all Harry can think about is how _done_ he is with all of the shouting. He's telling them to share their 2 AM thoughts, and Harry realizes that he's still up fighting at 2 AM sometimes.

"So is there anyone who wants to share first?" Paul asks, and Harry flicks his hand up without even realizing what he's doing. He instantly regrets it when Paul's eyes light up. He nods quickly at him. "Yes, Harry! We'd love to hear from you. Say everything you need to, this is a safe space."

Harry scowls and straightens up. "Um… I'm tired of yelling," he says, and Paul leans forward, enthused, and Harry kind of wishes he had never said anything at all.

"You feel like you're yelling, Harry?" the counselor asks, and he frowns.

"No… No, I don't _feel_ like I'm yelling, I _am_ yelling. All the time. I come home… and I step in the door and already I've done everything wrong… and then he yells… and I yell back," he explains, and the rest of the boys are looking at him appraisingly, and Paul looks a little miffed that Harry hadn't said anything that profound, but then the drunk guy, Ed, pipes up next to him.

"I'm tired of everything, man," he says, and he takes a swig from his thermos, and Harry doesn't think that coffee's the only thing in there. "Like… Everyone keeps telling me that what hasn't killed me, makes me stronger, but I'm pretty sure that's not true at all. Everything just seems pretty cold and shitty to me." Paul tries to say something, but Liam pipes up.

"I get that! I'm tired of being lonely, too!" he chimes in, and Harry frowns. Something about this Liam kid is just so, like… weird. Like he's trying too hard, but he's doing a _really good job_ at trying too hard.

It's quiet and awkward after that because Niall doesn't seem to ever say _anything_ from what Harry could tell last session, and this Zayn kid seems to _refuse_ to say anything –which annoys Harry cause they're here for a reason, and that is to participate and get better- and Lou seemed to have been tuned out since the beginning of the session.

Paul then talks about fighting your inner demons, and Harry doesn't really get it because as far as he's concerned, his demon is his _dad_ , and he'd be okay if all the yelling would just _stop_. And it's _irritating_ , what Paul has to say, because he doesn't _understand_. He doesn't understand where Harry's at; _no one_ does.

And maybe it's more of an authority thing than a dad thing, because Harry can't help but find himself lashing out at their counselor.

"Oi, would you just _shut up_?" he asks. He's angry, but his words come out as slow as usual, "Who do you even think you are to generalize what will help all of us? My problem has nothing to do with an 'inner demon'. It's my fucking _dad_ who's the problem here," he snaps. The other boys look surprised, whether it's due to Harry's sudden outburst or the fact that he's obviously not as dumb as he sounds finally coming to light. Paul, meanwhile, frowns.

"I would encourage you to dig deeper than that," he says, and Harry kind of wants to bite his head off.

"No. This has nothing to _do_ with me. I _know_ I'm better than he thinks. This isn't a problem with _me_ , it's not _me_ ; it's his ridiculous standards and fucking God-complex. It's not _me_ ," he retorts, and Harry bristles as Paul leans in attentively.

"Why don't you tell us more about what your father is like," he suggests, and Harry's too angry to really censor himself. He crosses his arms and leans back in his chair in a way he _knows_ must look so totally and completely defensive, but that's how he _feels,_ and this is _therapy,_ so he doesn't bother to readjust himself.

"He's a _crack head_ ," Harry says bluntly. "What is else is there to say?" Harry catches the way the kid across the circle's eyes flicker. Lou. He doesn't have time to respond, though, because Paul is still latching on to what he has to say and squeezing more out of him.

"So what does that mean for you, Harry?" he asks, and Harry lets out a massive groan.

"It means I live in fucking _squalor_ and my dad is _always_ angry for no bloody reason and crazy as shit," he answers. Paul ponders this for a minute, and Harry rolls his eyes. His problems are actually completely shallow. Paul is just a wack shrink.

"My mom's an alcoholic!" Louis pipes up out of nowhere, and Harry leans away when Ed's limbs fly out and flail around him.

"So am I, mate! That makes the two, then!" he exclaims. Lou's face falls, and Harry feels a connection kind of spark between them because, hey, this kid would _get it_. Not like Liam, who seemed uneasy, and not like Niall, who didn't seem present, and not like Zayn, who seemed to wish he were as tuned out as Niall. Not like Ed, who was off his rocker, and not like Paul, who would never understand anything.

Paul groans and starts off on a speech about respect and the group being a safe place, and the session ends with Harry feeling a bit hopeful and a lot frustrated.

* * *

Louis isn't really sure what to think about the whole therapy thing. It seems to him, what with the overwhelming number of minivans in the rec center's parking lot and dissatisfied scowls, that most of the other boys are being forced to come by their mothers. Louis is coming because he doesn't know what else to do.

It's their third session, and Harry is ranting again. Louis thinks that Harry seems like a pretty angry guy, but he also thinks that he might have a right to be.

The thing with Louis is, is that his mother loves him very much. She does, Louis knows, but she loves alcohol _more_. So she drinks a lot. Louis has never really seen his mom sober –just wavering degrees of stoned- but he figures she's a pretty affectionate drunk. He's seen from her friends, though, that some people aren't, and that's why Louis makes sure to always sit on the opposite side of the circle as Ed.

Growing up could have been worse. Sure, his house tended to be pretty disgusting –his dad had never been in the picture and his mom certainly wasn't doing any cleaning- and his mother hadn't quit drinking during her pregnancy with him, so Louis's head was a bit messed up, and –yes- he had some pretty scary calls with some of his mother's friends during her parties, but at least someone loved Louis. At least he had someone to stumble over to try to help him up when he fell or attempt to find some semblance of advice in their muddled mind when he had a problem.

Louis had his problems, but at least he wasn't _alone_.

Harry's done seething and screaming at Paul now, and their counselor turns to face him, shaking Louis out of his fog. "Lou. You said your mom is an alcoholic, right? Do you and Harry share any similar experiences?" he asks, and Louis shakes his head.

"Umm… no. No. M-my mom loved me," he says, wincing because sometimes his words just don't come out right and he doesn't know how to fix it. "She just… drinks." Harry is looking at him with a weird expression on his face from across the circle, and Louis doesn't really know why. He hopes he didn't anger him or anything; although, he probably did because Harry always seems a bit mad. Liam clears his throat next to him.

"Ah, no offense, mate, but that can't be it. You're here, aren't you? You can talk to us," Liam says in a very leader-like way, and Louis can't help but nod along and continue speaking. Something about Liam just had that _trust me_ vibe. Lou figured it had something to do with how he had one hand on his little brother's knee. (Niall, was it?)

"Um… um… um…" Louis hated how long it took him to get going. "Well, like, her drinking made me 'll messed up, obviously, and, I mean, Christmas and birthdays are always kind of lame, but… whatever," he stumbles. Louis choses not to mention how sometimes his mom's friends touch him in ways he doesn't like. He also doesn't mention how sometimes he doesn't eat for a day or two because his mom spends her money on vodka instead of food or how he gets made fun of at school because he only has three shirts.

His mom can't hold a job.

Liam looks at him skeptically, but Louis doesn't have any plans on sharing more than just that. Paul seems to have other ideas, though. "Does it make you angry that your mother made you 'all messed up'?" Paul asks, and Louis frowns. He'd never really thought about that.

"No…" he answers uncertainly, and Harry quirks an eyebrow.

"Well you must be a _bit_ mad," he snaps. "You'd be _stupid_ to not be mad."

Louis crosses his arms uncomfortably in front of him. "She loves me," he responds, and Harry rolls his eyes, but before he can continue, Zayn chimes in surprisingly, considering Louis has only heard him say _nine words_ so far. (Although, to be fair, that's better than Niall, who has said none.)

"If she loves you so much, then why would she keep drinking?" Zayn asks grumpily, and Louis decides he doesn't so much like talking to these people anymore. He doesn't reply to Zayn, favoring to tune out like usual again while Paul gives Harry a lecture for calling Louis stupid as the other boy fumes.

* * *

"Okay, so now that we're getting a little more comfortable with each other, I'm going to assign you each a buddy that you will catch up with the first ten minutes of each session," Paul says, and Liam isn't worried because he figures he'll be with Niall. He's always with Niall. It's like an unspoken rule. "So, Ed, why don't you pick a name from the hat?" Paul asks, and Ed fishes one out.

"Liam," he reads.

Shit.

Paul seems excited. "Perfect, you two can go pull your chairs to the corner and get started talking about your lives," he says, and Liam casts a look to Niall who seems terrified –at least, a little more so than usual- and tries to protest, but Ed has a hand clasped around his wrist and is already pulling him off to the other side of the room.

"So how are you?" Ed asks, but Liam's too busy watching Harry pick from Paul's hat to respond. He hopes he gets Zayn. Niall can't have someone angry like either of them, and Lou seems his best bet for someone caring and pleasant. Harry picks Lou, and Liam wants to throw himself off of a bridge. Zayn isn't going to take care of Niall right! Liam can already tell this will be a disaster, as Niall's eyes are reddening and Zayn appears more apathetic than usual. "Hello. I'm asking you a question, here," Ed says, waving a clumsy hand in front of Liam's face, which snaps him back into focus.

"What? Sorry, I was worried about Niall… He's with Zayn, and that just… I'm worried," he repeats. Ed is kind of swaying a bit, and Liam thinks it best to sneak the thermos of Irish coffee he has in his hands away.

"Wha-" Ed hiccups, "Why are you so protective over him?" Ed asks, and Liam's a bit startled.

"Um… cause, well… he needs someone to be," Liam says, and Ed quirks an eyebrow at him, so Liam continues. "And he's my little brother. So it's not like I have much of a choice." Ed puts a hand on his shoulder, breaking Liam's personal bubble a bit and leaning on him a little too much.

"I thought he was your foster brother."

"He is."

"Then why is he _your_ responsibility? I thought you had your _own_ problems?" Ed asked, and Liam frowned. He'd never really thought about his own problems… Liam tended to just say that things could be worse and move on. Niall meanwhile seemed to have big issues to deal with, and, like, foster brothers were still brothers right? Niall needed someone, and Liam… Liam was okay. He was okay. Maybe a little lonely, but other than that, he was fine. Apparently, Liam took a little too long thinking because Ed had changed subjects. "-and I just really miss her, man. It sucks to be left alone like this, I'm so over it," he was saying.

"I feel the same way about my parents," Liam contributed, despite having missed the first half of what he had been saying, and Ed nodded.

"Nothing's right anymore, mate," Ed says, and Liam is starting to think that maybe it's not that bad to be Ed's buddy because they seem to have at least a little bit in common… He just wished that Niall could be with him. A quick glance to the other side of the room showed that Niall and Zayn both weren't saying anything to each other, awkwardly sitting with their chairs side by side. Niall looked scared to death.

Eventually, they're all called back to the circle for a group chat, which was actually starting to get a bit better with Harry, Liam, Louis, Ed, and very rarely Zayn all talking. Paul asks Zayn what he and Niall talked about. Zayn arches an eyebrow like "Do you actually believe either of us said a word?" and Paul moves on. He asks Louis and Harry, and they answer honestly, saying they talked about how frustrating it could be to have a parent who couldn't provide for them. Ed says they talked about responsibility and being alone, and then the group discusses responsibilities as a whole.

Liam holds Niall's hand as all as this goes on, silently apologizing for not protecting him like he promised he always would.

* * *

"Feel free to get in your groups as soon as you come in!" Paul calls out the second Zayn walks in the door, and before Zayn can flip him off the counselor comes over to him. "I encourage you to reach out to Niall today, Zayn. I think he could really use it," the older man says, and Zayn scowls because he's quite happy with letting that mess of a boy be _Liam_ 's problem, not his, but then Niall comes in looking oh-so small and Liam gives him this pleading look, and he thinks that he'd kind of be a dick not to at least _talk_ to the kid.

"Umm… Hey. Wanna sit over there?" Zayn asks, approaching Niall and pointing to an unoccupied corner. Niall looks a little shocked –most people in the group do when he talks- and nods weakly, trailing after him like a kicked puppy. Zayn gestures to a seat for him to take and they both sit down. "So…" Zayn drawls, "I hope your week was good… Mine was. Good, that is. It was… good…" It's awkward for a couple seconds because Niall isn't saying anything. Zayn gets annoyed and asks, "Why are you so quiet?"

Niall's breath hitches.

Zayn backtracks. "Look, I mean, you don't have to talk, but this _is_ a therapy group. That's kind of the point. I won't laugh at you or anything." Zayn's still kind of figuring out how to do the whole nice thing. "It would just be awesome to, you know, hear you and, like, do this whole buddy shit or whatever… So, seriously, like... why be so quiet?" Niall fidgets terribly for a minute, and then in a voice so quiet that Zayn near misses it, he speaks.

"They hit harder when I made noise."

And now it's Zayn's turn for his breath to hitch.

He doesn't quite know what to say, and it's all a little bit sudden, Niall talking that is, and he feels like there should be more of a build up to it or something, but then again, Niall had practically _breathed_ the words, and Zayn doesn't quite know what else he had expected. He scrubs at his nose for a second, before he realizes that Niall's looking at him with these huge, scared blue eyes, and he _has_ to say something back. He clears his throat.

"Um… My thing," he says, "The reason why I'm here? My thing is that my history teacher… He…" Zayn's having trouble getting the words out. He's never really said them before, but if Niall could do it, so could he. "He kept me after school for detention, and he would…"

Zayn still can't say it.

"Anyway. My week was good. I finished a portrait and my mom hasn't been bugging me so much since I started coming here, so…" Niall nods.

"My week was good, too," he whispers, and then Paul is calling them back to the circle. Zayn normally sits by Louis and Paul, but today that seems weird because he kind of feels like he and Niall connected… So he steals Ed's seat, and Ed steals Harry's seat, and Harry takes his old one. It's a little funny because everyone's all displaced, but Zayn thinks that this is where he was meant to be this session.

"So what did you lot talk about this time?" Paul asks, and Zayn doesn't raise his hand to answer, so he's stuck listening to Lou and Harry drone on about what it's like to have dumbasses for parents and Liam and Ed rave about loneliness. Zayn can't even explain how much he doesn't care. The finish unbearably slowly, and Paul turns his eyes on him. Curse Niall for always making him answer. "What about you and Niall, Zayn?" he asks, and Zayn takes a shaky breath because he doesn't want to share his problems with anyone really, and he doesn't think he should share Niall's.

"Um… Niall talked about his last home, and then I talked about school and stuff, and then we both talked about our week," he wraps up fast. And everyone looks a bit startled.

"Niall… Niall _talked_?" Liam stutters out first, and then looks to his foster brother, expression the epitome of surprised. "You _talked_?" he exclaims, and Zayn crosses his arms.

"Well, yeah. I mean… I'm not _awful_ ," he bites, annoyed that Liam would be this shocked. He could be nice if he wanted to! Zayn only grew more annoyed as Liam shook his head, a little gasp passing through his lips.

"No, you don't understand. Niall… Niall doesn't talk to _anyone_. He doesn't talk; he _never_ talks," Liam says, looking off into space before refocusing his attention on the smaller boy. "Niall. You don't _talk_." Liam actually seemed to be having a conniption or something, running his hands repeatedly through his hair and looking at Zayn desperately. "What did he say? You have to tell me word for word. What did he _say_?"

Zayn is starting to feel like this might have been a bigger deal than he thought.

"I don't know, ah…" Zayn's eyes flicker over to Niall, checking to see if it's okay to share. The other boy nods fearfully, but he does everything fearfully, so Zayn assumes it's okay, but he still feels weird because what Niall said was sort of really personal, and he must have told just him for a reason, right? "He said that he didn't talk because of his last parents," a small smile from Niall lets him know that at least he's doing _something_ right, "and that he had a good week." Liam looks like he's about ready to cry.

"You had a good week?" he asks, putting a hand on Niall's shoulder. Niall nods, and Liam quickly hugs him, tears streaking down his face. "I'm so glad," he says, and Zayn feels something unpleasant creep up into his heart, but –like he does with all unpleasant feelings- he pushes it right down. "I'm _so glad_ you had a good week," Liam repeats, tears falling in sheets over his cheeks, and Niall just sniffs in response, so Liam lets him go.

Zayn feels really weird and a little humbled. He doesn't understand why Niall would choose to talk to him of all people. As far as Zayn is concerned, he's pretty awful. Hell, his history teacher was awful enough to… to… to do _that_ to him, so obviously… obviously he's kind of worthless.

Except maybe not to Niall. Because Liam is talking to the group about how much he worries over Niall, and Niall seems to be a bit overwhelmed, and for some unearthly reason, he slips his fingers through Zayn's.

And it kind of feels like his heart stopped.

Cause Zayn isn't used to being touched by anyone, especially not _boys_ , and he's not even sure he's ready to be touched by anyone because _get off, get off, don't touch me, don't touch me_.

But at the same time, Niall is the least intimidating person Zayn's ever met, and he thinks Niall might be more terrified of holding hands with him than he is, so Zayn finds himself squeezing back. And it's weird, it's so weird, everything is so weird, and Liam sees their hands laced together, and his face falls a little while he's talking, which pisses Zayn off a bit because he's pretty sure Niall should just be able to do whatever the hell he wants, and Liam shouldn't go around pouting whenever Niall happens to like someone more than him.

The session ends, and the group of dancers that use the room after them are already coming in. Zayn untangles his fingers from Niall's and bolts from the room, priding himself with the fact that he made it through another ridiculous meeting.

* * *

Niall is excited for the session to start, and he knows Liam can tell. Niall's never really excited for anything, so the feeling is a bit overwhelming. He fidgets anxiously when he walks in the room and realizes that Zayn's not there, but Liam kisses him on the head and that makes things a bit better. His foster brother walks him over to a chair and plants other kiss through his hair, looking at him caringly. "Do good, okay?" he tells him as Zayn finally enters the room and swaggers over. Niall nods and Liam smiles before he leaves.

"Vas happening?" Zayn asks, plopping down in his chair, and Niall _really_ wants to answer, even though _nothing_ is currently going on in his life, and that scares him a bit, so he stays as quiet as usual. Zayn runs a hand through his hair. "You're not going to be all silent again, are you? Because it's really uncomfortable when you are," he says with the slightest bit of attitude, but Niall isn't bugged by it. He takes a deep breath.

"I'll talk," he says, and winces because his words seem so _loud_ to him, even though he can tell that Zayn is straining to hear. It's especially weird because it's so… foreign to him. All of his syllables don't seem quite right, and, oh, he'd sort of forgotten about his Irish accent… Maybe that's what's doing it… Zayn smiles at him.

"Good. How was your week?" the taller boy asks him, and Niall's a bit hard-pressed because it wasn't _hell_ or anything, but it wasn't that great, and everything he can think of seems to require quite a bit of explaining, so he frowns and settles.

"Complicated," he answers, and Zayn quirks an eyebrow up at him, unimpressed.

"And what is _that_ supposed to mean?" he questions, and Niall shifts his weight around on the chair, struggling to come up with a short answer to give him. He pouts.

"Maths is shit," he answers, and Zayn laughs really hard for a really long time, and Niall can feel Liam's eyes on them. He can tell he's jealous without looking, and he feels bad, but Liam… Liam's _Liam_. He's not Zayn. Niall can only talk to _Zayn_. He doesn't know why, but that's just how it is. Anything or anyone more is impossible. "I don't see what's so funny," he says loud enough for Zayn to hear him over his own giggles, and his partner looks at him a bit surprised.

"Ah, I just… I didn't think you swore or something. I don't know… It made me laugh." Zayn pauses and then smiles. "So far, you're quite the cheeky bastard, aren't you Niall?" he teases, and Niall crosses his arms and scowls. Zayn reaches over and ruffles his hair. "Don't be like that; I think the whole attitude thing is cute," Zayn says. "It suits me just fine, yeah?"

Niall shakes his head.

"Oi, don't be an arse; I'm fucking _adorable_ ," Zayn exclaims, and now it's Niall's turn to giggle. The sound echoes loudly around the room, and Niall gets looks which sucks all of the humor in the moment away faster than he'd like. Eventually, they all go back to their conversations, and Niall finds himself talking again.

"Your week?" he asks ever so quietly, and Zayn ponders it for a second, leaning back in his chair with his arms over his chest like usual.

"Maths was shit for me, too," he answers, and Niall snorts, "but other than that it was okay. A couple people talked to me, so that was cool." Niall doesn't know what that means, but he doesn't question it. He doesn't really think he could take uttering another word, and Zayn doesn't seem to want to share, anyway. They sit in silence again for a minute and Zayn says, "You should talk to other people. I'm not very good at this." Niall shrugs. Other people suck. Well… Liam doesn't suck. Liam's amazing; he loves Liam, but every time he tries to talk to him, his words get all blocked up no matter how much he tries to fight it, and he does fight, he really does, because Liam is doing so much for him, and he seems to want this, but Niall just… _can't_. It's not easy with Liam the way it is with Zayn.

Well… maybe easy isn't the right word.

But it's not _impossible_ , and Niall really likes that about Zayn because he sort of feels like a lot of things in his life are impossible. Of course, that's not really fair. They _can_ be done, it's just that Niall is worthless, so he is unable to handle them. Zayn leans forward and looks him hard in the eye, "If you have something to say, people will listen. They'll like you. I mean... I really like you. You... you mean something to me," Zayn says almost like he can't believe it, and a ridiculously delicious warm feeling sweeps over Niall –so good, he thinks he doesn't deserve it.

He whimpers, but he's not scared.

Paul calls them to the center circle for the start of group time, and somehow he's holding Zayn's hand on the way over, but he doesn't remember grabbing onto it. Which means Zayn grabbed onto him. Niall's happier about that than he should be (because Niall just isn't allowed to be happy), and he gives Zayn's hand a timid little squeeze, as he does absolutely everything timidly. Zayn shoots him an accepting smile as they sit down.

Niall tunes out the second the others start talking, though he does focus on Zayn when he shares what they spoke about. "How much maths fucking _sucks,_ " Zayn answers when Paul asks what they talked about, and that's all he says, no matter how much the other boys pester him. Zayn's done and so is Niall.

Ed, however, seems to have a lot to rant on about considering he's on his third flask of who-the-hell-knows since he walked in the door (yes, Niall's counted, he has to notice things, he has to notice or they'll hurt him, he'll be _hurt_ ), and Liam takes the opportunity to stare at him. Niall's not handling it well. He can feel his face heat up, and he knows he's sweating a bit, and he's squirming all over the place in his seat, though his fingers are still threaded in Zayn's. Niall's not good at people looking at him; it's scary. He knows it's been… it's been _forever_ since anyone last…

Anyway.

It's still unnerving to be looked at. He's still so used to there being a _consequence_ for being stared at. Zayn unlinks their hands, and Niall panics before Zayn's resting a hand in the middle of his back.

 _Shit_.

Niall's not really sure if he likes that. On the one hand, it's calming, but on the other, _holy fucking shit, Zayn is touching him, what if he hurts him, what if, what if, get off_. He doesn't make Zayn move, though, despite every fiber of his being telling him to. Niall's okay. He thinks he's okay.

Liam stares at him harder, and finally, _finally_ , the session ends, and Paul dismisses them. He moves away from Zayn's hand and ducks his head to give him a wave, and Zayn waves back. The taller boy is about to go, when Liam –who's already attached himself to Niall- grabs his arm. Niall watches as Zayn's eyes widen with panic and rips himself away before snapping a "What?" to his foster brother.

"Look, I don't know what you've said to Niall, but I've spent every waking second with him for the past two years, and he's never even stammered a _syllable_ to me. He fucking barely even shakes his head yes or no," Liam says, and Niall can't help but blush because, God, Liam. Did he really have to embarrass him like that? This was _Zayn_. Liam puffs up his chest. "So here's the deal, you don't get to be an asshole with this like you are with all of our problems. You hurt him; I kill you," the taller boy spells out, and Zayn squints in a wary form of acceptance. Liam shoves a piece of paper in Zayn's hand. "Give him a call sometime."

Niall lets Liam drag him from the room, leaving their telephone number with his new friend.

* * *

Louis isn't quite sure he likes what this therapy group is doing to him. He feels like he's uncovering all these emotions that he would rather have left buried, and it's all Harry's fault, really.

Harry is kind of a tool like that.

Really, he is. Harry is so angry all the time, and unearthing some pretty dark shit inside of Louis. Harry is mad at his dad for what he puts him through, and it makes so much sense to him, that he's starting to get angry with his own mom. He's frustrated because doesn't Louis kind of deserve more? Why should he have to settle for all of this shit? He gets that he's stupid and awkward, but that's not his fault, not really, and even if it was, does that really mean he doesn't deserve dinner every night?

Louis feels dumb. So very, very dumb. Dumb for not noticing what he was missing before, dumb for letting his mom drink without saying anything, dumb for not screaming at her every night like Harry did with his dad. Because, frankly? Louis isn't feeling he love from his mom when she's cradling a beer bottle like she never had him.

It's a miracle he's even alive, really. Louis knows she dropped him when he was a baby, and he knows she's always had trouble feeding him and taking care of him. It's not okay anymore.

And he's so _sick_ of her friends always being around. He hates their clawing hands and their slurred insults, and he's just _done_ , really. Done. Five thousand percent done. He finds himself snapping at everything his mom says and ripping bottles from her hands until she's crying for a drink, and he doesn't even care. It's for her own good, anyway.

Harry seems to be proud of him. "I think we should all give Louis a round of applause," Harry suggests after what Paul has taken to calling "family time". Harry's been calling him Louis for a couple sessions now, and he really doesn't mind, that is his _name_ after all (he's pretty sure his mom was as drunk as ever when she picked that one out), it's just that most of his friends, however few they may be, called him Lou. So it's a bit different, but he can't say he minds. "He managed to hold his own and take a stand this week!"

"Way to go, man," Ed cheers from across the circle while the rest of the boys clap politely, and Louis doesn't think he knows what he's saying.

He doesn't want the other boys to clap for him, but they are. He feels bad. All this time, he had thought his mom had been trying his best, but now he's starting to think that maybe she hasn't, but is that really a reason for him to lash out? Harry seemed to think so. Louis obviously didn't mind thinking so either, but that didn't stop that little seed of guilt from growing in the pit of his stomach.

"You're a gem!" Ed cries out, still clapping loudly, though everyone else has stopped, and he takes another long swig from his thermos (Louis can't help but take note about how little _coffee_ there is inside). Except, it doesn't go very well because Ed gags on the liquid, and all of a sudden, he's throwing up all over himself and the floor, and a bit on Zayn, who looks really fucking pissed.

Most of the other boys are wincing and pulling away, but Louis sees this a lot. He's not worried, until Ed kind of tumbles from his chair, raspy breaths falling from his mouth. His chest is rising and falling unevenly, and Louis is on the floor in a second, taking his pulse, looking at the clock on the wall for the time.

Shit.

It's under fifty, and Louis can't be sure, but he thinks it's dropping. "Call an ambulance!" he exclaims because there's not much he can do aside from rolling him over and keeping him from choking on his own vomit. And, fuck, is Ed _barely_ breathing.

Harry is kneeled at his side, and he's running his fingers through the alcohol-poisoned boy's hair, and looking a bit more stressed than he should be. "Is he going to be alright? Louis, is he going to be alright? Is he going to be alright?" Louis realizes Harry's asking, and he doesn't know what to say because this happens to one of his mom's friends at least once a week, and it's not very often they make it. But that's only because they're all alcoholics.

Which… Ed is…

"He's going to be fine, Harry."


	2. Chapter 2

"In light of Ed's passing, gentlemen, we will not be having family time this week," Paul says as Harry walks in the room, and his stomach plummets. Shit. He could have really used a good one on one talk with Lou. Oh yeah, and by the way?

Ed had died.

He had _died_.

And Harry was having trouble processing it. Because seeing anybody sitting up and cheering one minute and then on the ground and dying the next is enough to disturb somebody, but Harry feels like he's a special case. Cause seeing Ed on the floor? That kind of shot everything Harry had been building and thinking for so long straight to hell.

Harry hated his dad. _Hated him_. But now he's starting to think that, hey, eventually there's going to be a day where his dad overdoses, and, wait, that's not something Harry actually want to happen. Which is _crazy_ because every night, Harry goes to sleep and hopes he wakes up to an empty house. He _dreads_ coming home from school; he's _sick_ of the yelling; he's _finished_ with his father.

But, fuck, look how fast Ed went. He just fell down, and he was _gone_. Nothing has _ever_ scared Harry as much as Ed tipping over in his chair had because he watched it happen and _immediately_ imagined his father in his place.

God, shit, his dad did _crack_. He wasn't _stopping_. He never _would_. Harry could come home from school, _from this meeting_ , and find his father dead on the floor with white powder all stuffed up his nostrils, and what was Harry supposed to do then? Fuck, what _then_? Where would he go? What would he do? Harry was _sixteen_ ; he was in _high school._

And Harry is vaguely aware of Paul getting the meeting started and the other boys talking about the loss of Ed, but Harry's _a little preoccupied_. What was he going to do? What was he going to do? _What was he going to do_?

"Harry, are you alright?" Liam's voice breaks through his panic just enough for Harry to acknowledge him, and he rocks back and forth in his seat.

"I can't… I can't… I can't…" He can't get a _sentence_ out, is what he can't do. Harry knows he's shaking, and he knows the boys are staring, and he almost laughs because, if anyone, he thought quiet and crazy little Niall would be the first to crack, but –whoops- it's him. Oh, God, he can't stop _rocking_.

"What can't you do, Harry?" Louis asks from the seat next to him, and Harry notices how _wrong_ the circle feels without Ed, and it sets him off. Harry feels tears start to rush down his cheeks, but he's holding onto Louis's hand with both of his own so he can't wipe them away. He's gagging and all snot and tears, and he can't seem to _stop_ , no matter how much he tries to fight it and no matter what comforting things Louis and the other boys said.

"H-he-he's gon'… he's gonna _die_ ," Harry somehow manages to choke out through his sobs and loud, wheezy breaths, and suddenly Louis has thrown his arms around him, near strangling him in the tightest hug Harry had ever received.

"Oh, shit, Harry. Shit, Harry, they can't leave. They can't leave; they won't leave," Louis says desperately, and Harry can hear that he's crying too now that he understands why Harry is upset. He grips at the back of Louis's shirt, and he can feel the curious stares their getting because, yes, sometimes Harry and Louis are just on a different level of understanding than the rest of the boys, and this is definitely one of those moments. Louis knows he's talking about his dad. Harry knows Louis is talking about their parents.

"B-but-but-but," Harry stammers, and Louis's hold on him impossibly tightens, forcing his shoulder blades together and making it difficult to hug Louis back.

"No, Harry. No. They'll be fine," Louis says. And Harry shouldn't believe him. He shouldn't believe him because he said Ed would be fine, and he had been _wrong_. He shouldn't trust Louis at all.

But he _does_.

"Okay, Lou."

* * *

Liam likes to think that he's a rather thoughtful guy. He's reflective enough to understand why he does the things he does, even if it takes him awhile to figure it out. For example, when Liam lays his head on his pillow at night, he knows that the sharp pain in his chest is because he's lonely.

He just never thought it could hurt this much.

Liam has always been alone. His parents had died when he was much too young for it to mean anything. He thinks that should make getting switched from foster home to foster home easier, but it's not. Liam kind of feels like he doesn't have a place, like he's _never_ had a place. And that sort of sucks.

And he's not _stupid_. He _knows_ that's why he clings to Niall so tightly. He doesn't have anyone else, so he _needs_ Niall. He _needs_ to be his protector, and his brother, and his hero. He _has_ to be the one who keeps all his secrets and picks him up when he gets down. Liam is _alone_ ; Niall is _it._

And that's why Zayn Malik sucks.

It's really not fair. Liam has been there for Niall ever since he escaped his last house. He's been taking care of him for two years. _Two years_. Zayn had only known Niall for _four hours_ before the younger boy talked to him. How did that even make _sense_? It had been _Liam_ who Niall first responded to, who Niall first initiated touch with, who Niall first let see him cry. Not Zayn. So why wouldn't he talk to _him_ first?

Liam's happy Niall's talking; of course he is. _He definitely is_. But it's so distressing that Niall would pick someone other than him when Liam needs this so badly. So, no, he's not really upset that family time is cancelled.

Especially because Ed is gone.

Liam can't even imagine having family time ever again. It was _hell_ having to watch Niall with Zayn even _with_ Ed there to distract him. But now Ed is gone, and Liam is even more of an outcast than before. He said on the first day that he felt like he didn't have a direction, but now Liam just felt _lost_. God, why did everyone just keeping _leaving him?_

And Liam doesn't mean to because he's trying _so hard_ to be strong for Niall, and he _really_ needs people to like him, like… _he really needs it_ , and Liam's never been that fond of people who get overemotional due to stupid things, but all of a sudden, in the middle of class, tears start pouring down Liam's cheeks.

And then he can't stop. He's crying and crying, worse than Harry had last week, to the point where getting oxygen is seriously becoming an issue. "Liam, you need to calm down," Zayn says as comfortingly as Zayn seems to be able to –so he's still scowling and it doesn't really help things- and Liam can see Niall's scared little face peering at him down from where he's clutching around his waist in a silent attempt to help, and it makes Liam cry harder.

He knows Niall's holding him, and he knows there's people in the room with him –hell, he interrupted poor Harry when he had started crying- but he still feels so _alone_. That ache in his chest that he gets at night is back with a vengeance, and Liam thinks that if his chest constricts any tighter, he might break apart.

Liam can sense how frantic Niall is becoming, but Liam can't stop crying now that he's started (he never cries, so he has a lot to catch up on). He somewhat notices Zayn coming closer and closer, and Liam knows that it's for Niall and not for him, and he wonders what makes him so different an awful that leaves him so unloved like this.

"Zayn!" Niall squeaks as he hugs his waist tighter, and Liam _shatters_.

It's the first time he's heard Niall speak. When Zayn calls, Niall only hums in response to things, and this is Liam's first time. It's his first time hearing what he so badly _needed to_ , and, fuck, it's not even _directed at him_. Niall's talking for Zayn, he only talks for Zayn, no matter _how much_ Liam pours into him; it's all about Zayn. And now he's going to Zayn for help. That's Liam's job. That's _Liam's job_. He _needs this job_. "N-ni'll y're _v-voice_ ," he gags between high-pitched wheezes for breath.

Liam can't tell if it's just him or if Niall is shaking, too.

"You're freaking him out, man," Zayn says, putting a tentative hand on Liam's shoulder, which only serves to make him feel more distant from everyone else. He can _feel_ himself getting replaced.

Liam cries until he's exhausted, and the session is long over and there are dancers outside the door and looking in, but everyone's still sitting with him in the room, and Liam doesn't know where to go from here. It's him and them. It doesn't matter that Zayn hasn't let go of his shoulder, and he doesn't care that Niall's worked his way into his lap. It's Liam and _the rest_.

They all look at him curiously and Liam just shrugs. "I miss Ed," he says, and they know he's lying, but none of them apparently care enough to ask what's really going on. Even if they did, Liam wouldn't know how to answer.

He's just sick of being singled out.

* * *

"I miss talking to you," Harry says before their session starts, and Louis's heart admittedly flutters a bit. (For the record, no. He doesn't think he's in love with Harry. As far as Louis is concerned, all these… _feelings_ – as of late- are nothing more than a response to the affection he'd never gotten as a kid. At least, that's what Louis thinks Paul would say, so that's what he's going to go with.) "It sucks that Ed's gone," the other boy adds to the end, and Louis can hear everything Harry didn't say.

"We're going to be okay, Harry," he responds, and Harry nods his head, curls bouncing. The shorter boy offers him a smirk.

"I know," he responds and threads his fingers through Louis's, and he really _does_ miss family time. He texts Harry and he sometimes sees him when he goes out for coffee –it's a coincidence the Starbucks he uses is the same one Harry works at- but it's not the same.

"Okay, boys. Anyone want to open us up today? Niall? Anything going on?" Paul asks –like always- and –like always- Niall blushes and looks to Zayn for help. Zayn grabs Niall's hand, ruining his bad-boy posture, and glares at the other boys until one of them speaks. Like always.

Louis has happier news, so he decides to go first. "I didn't yell at my mom this week!" he exclaims, and it's a _big deal_ because before, Harry had made him feel like that's all he wanted to do. But now Ed is gone, and Harry doesn't seem so… angry. More like scared. And that's how Louis has felt all along, really, so maybe they're both finding a bit of a balance together. Harry is the first to clap as usual, and Liam's not afraid to join right in. (Louis is a bit wary because last time, Liam had gotten scarily emotional for no reason, and he wasn't looking for a repeat. Liam was weird, but they all were, and he was sort of turning into one of Louis's best friends, what with all the sharing they did.)

"Would you say your outlook on her drinking has changed at all, then, Lou?" Paul asks, and Louis wrinkles his nose because Paul is the only one to still call him by his nickname and not his full name.

"No, I hate it, and I think I always will…" he trails off, collecting his thoughts. He hates how much work it takes for his head to process things. He hates not being normal. "But… but, I mean, I'm not going to have to deal with this forever. I just have to hold out a little longer, and then everything will be okay," he explains, and Harry nods because he understands –he always understands- while Liam quirks an eyebrow.

"What do you mean by that? Aren't you worried about her? That much alcohol is bad for you," Liam says like Louis doesn't already know. He sighs and leans forward, sitting his head in his hands, toying with his cinnamon fringe.

"No, I do… I…" Louis separates a couple split ends while he searches for the right words. "It's just that her health can't be my problem. Like… she's my _mom_ , you know? And I… I think I grew up too fast. She sh'ld take care of me, y'know? I shouldn't have to worry about her." Louis is proud of himself for getting so many words out in a row that made sense together. Zayn quirks an eyebrow.

"I thought you loved her," Zayn retorts, and Harry's grip on his hand tightens.

"He never said he didn't, jackass. He said that he shouldn't be responsible for an adult when he's still a _kid_. At least Louis _shares_. We still have no _clue_ what happened to _you_ ," he bites, and okay.

Maybe Harry is still a little angry.

No one's ever snapped at Zayn before, and Louis would have figured it would make him angry or something, due to him being so standoffish, but Zayn automatically puts his hands up by means of surrender. "Okay, sorry!" he says quickly, and he looks kind of panicked. Actually, he looks really panicked. Harry might as well have come at him with a knife, he looked so terrified. Louis kicks Harry in the shins, and the other boy releases a groan before his eyes soften.

"Eh, sorry... Didn't mean to freak out at you there, just… you know. I get… protective and… angry…" Harry says in that familiar slow draw of his. Louis loves Harry's voice. He speaks sluggishly, too, and it helps Louis not feel so bad about how long it takes to get his brain rolling and his long pauses before answers.

"My big, brave Hazza," Lou says, nicknaming him on the spot and rubbing the other boy's thumb with his own. "Thank you." Harry grants him a smile.

"No problem."

* * *

Zayn's very, very tired of his life at this point. Sometimes he comes home from school, and he thinks about the other students and their opinions of them, and he thinks about how disappointed in him his dad is, and he thinks about how he has to wake up again the next morning and go through all that hell _again_ , and it makes him wonder why. Why he stays.

Zayn's been passed around to a couple counselors. No one special, just what their insurance paid for, but they all seemed to have the same things to say. They say that victims of… that victims of rape tend to become depressed. They say they get headaches and chest pains and that they suffer from nausea and anxiety.

Zayn's been online. He's _seen_ pictures of them. Victims. He sees how thin they are and how scared and sad they look. Zayn hates mirrors; he hates how he too looks too skinny and too depressed. He looks like a rape victim, and it makes him want to cry.

He's sick of his act. He's so _tired_ of acting so _angry_ with everybody all the time, when really, he just feels scared. Zayn's exhausted of all this pretending, but he doesn't see another out. Because Zayn can't look weak. He can't let people see how afraid he is. They already tease him enough at school for being gay –everyone does- and he doesn't need people to see how they get to him or how easy it would be to tear him apart because then they _would_.

He wonders what he did wrong. He wonders why Mr. Tarn picked _him_ for detention. He wonders if it ever really happened, or if it really _was_ just a nightmare. He wonders if his dad will ever forgive him for not being the straight son he wanted. He wonders if it will ever get better, ever _be_ better.

Cause right now it just feels like every day is worse than the last.

Zayn isn't listening to the other boys during the session again today. Unsurprisingly, he doesn't care. Well, that's not true. But he's a little upset with Harry because he did _not_ appreciate getting yelled at and embarrassed last week like that. He's not very happy with Louis because Louis is the reason Harry yelled at him. And Liam is giving him these terrible glares across the circle, so obviously they're not really on speaking terms.

Zayn doesn't know why he's glaring.

Zayn doesn't seem to know anything these days.

Niall, meanwhile, is a different story. They're sitting next to each other like always, and they're holding hands. Zayn misses the smaller boy quite a bit. He had only a few opportunities to hear him speak, and when they did, nothing was really that… important for lack of a better word. (Zayn thinks everything Niall says is important.) However, Zayn still aches for family time.

He's tired of only hearing Niall hum over the phone, considering he loves his voice, and it _means_ something to him, which is crazy. Because nothing means much of anything to Zayn anymore.

The session drags on, and Zayn doesn't let go of Niall's hand when Liam tries to drag him away. Niall turns to look back at him. "Would you want to go for coffee or something?" he blurts out, inwardly kicking himself a thousand times because Zayn just… Zayn doesn't get dates; let's leave it at that.

Niall's eyes widen and the smaller boy nods, smiling while Liam frowns. Zayn can't help but gasp a little because that's not the response he'd been expecting.

"Oh… okay, awesome. I'll call you?" Another nod. "Great, okay… okay…"

And Zayn knows it's stupid, but he thinks he needed a Niall. Because Zayn hasn't got much reason for living, but Niall seems to be the one thing he would never want to leave behind.

* * *

Liam hates what's happening. He hates that Zayn has stolen Niall from him _twice_ this past week to take him out for _coffee_. Niall doesn't even _like_ coffee; it makes him too jittery. He doesn't like the stress it puts on Niall because it's obvious to Liam that whatever this thing with Zayn is, it's pulling Niall apart at the seams.

Liam knows Niall well enough to know what is and isn't too much for him, and, obviously, _coffee dates_ are a bit too overwhelming. He sees the panic in the younger boy's eyes when he drops him off for his meeting with Zayn's and he _hates_ it. He hates to see Niall crying in the bathroom when he can't decide what to wear, and he hates to see him barely pick at his food the days where they see each other.

Niall is his silent little brother, but Liam has _never_ had problems understanding him. However, now he hasn't a _clue_ what's going on in his head. He goes to see Zayn hyperventilating and on the brink of tears, and he comes home smiling and looking happier than he ever has with Liam before.

It's what's currently weighing on Liam's heart most, though he _does_ have a lot going on. And despite feeling like he's an outsider, Liam really wants to bring it up this session, even though Paul is trying to have them focus on their inner demons again.

Harry is already crying, though, so Liam doesn't think now is a good time to bring up his concerns about Niall. "I'm so _stupid_ , that's the problem! This is all my fault!" the curly haired boy is wailing, and Liam watches as Lou slings an arm around his shoulders.

"It's not like your _forcing_ your dad to snort crack," Zayn says, and Liam gets the feeling that he's trying to be helpful, but, really, Zayn only seems to be able to make things worse because Harry cries even harder.

"I should h-have tried to _stop him_ before, I… I sh-should have _cared_ more. G- _God_ , wh-what if he _dies_?" Liam can see that Louis is starting to get a bit distressed himself as he tries to take care of Harry. He realizes he better say something, or else things might get much more complicated.

"Harry, you have every right to be scared, but you shouldn't be putting the blame on yourself," he says, words tumbling out as Harry looks at him curiously through his tears. This is easy. Liam's good at telling people what they need to hear. He's good at comforting, and he's excellent at consoling, and normally, he only does this with Niall, but he's starting to get to know these boys rather well, and, yeah, this is easy. " _You_ were the one thrown into a life-threatening situation you don't deserve. Your dad chose this life, and you can't be at fault for something you had no choice in the matter in."

Harry makes a wet sort of groan and wipes his nose on the back of his sleeve. "I've hated him for so long…" he moans, and Liam knows. He knows angry Harry quite well, and he remembers the long rants over what Mr. Styles had done to last piss Harry off.

"I think he made that easy for you," Liam comments, and Harry's chest gives a heave in acceptance. He sniffs a couple more times, and the tears aren't exactly stopping, but he doesn't seem so upset. He's looking at Liam rather hopefully, and it's _crazy_. It's crazy because that sharp pain in his chest that he's so used to has suddenly disappeared, and it's like he can _breathe_ again.

"But-"

"No, Harry. You're fine. Your dad was addicted before he had you, right?" Liam asks. Harry nods. "Right. So then how _could_ it be your fault? You weren't even alive when it all started. There's no way to blame yourself, okay? You're alright," he assures him, and the look Harry gives him is enough to have Liam smiling before the curly haired boy leans further into Louis and nuzzles a bit into his neck.

The pain is back.

Niall's holding his hand and squeezing it tight, but it doesn't matter much to Liam. Not when Zayn has a hand on Niall's knee, and Niall is gripping his wrist. He can see how close the other two boys are sitting, and Liam wonders why there's no space between them but a giant gap between him and his _brother_. How is that right?

Liam settles back in his chair and takes a deep breath. Someday this would be over. Someday he would have someone. Someday the ache in his chest would go away and never come back. It just _had_ to.

* * *

Harry feels like group therapy has cracked his head open.

He hadn't really thought he would take to it like he has, but Harry's found that he maybe, sorta, kinda likes talking about his feelings. It's exceptionally better than _screaming_ them anyway.

The only problem is that lately everything he has to say is so much more _complicated_. All of his problems seem larger and more… impossible. And he doesn't know why because all of his issues with his dad used to seem so cut and dry, but now he goes home and he hears his father yell at him, and Harry can't help but cry when he yells back.

And, fuck, is he sick of the yelling. He can't _take it_ anymore. He's tired of being angry and told off. That's how he's always felt, but now things are so much more difficult because he doesn't think he could take it if it ended. If his dad was gone…

He wants to bring it up again, but he doesn't think he should. He's spoken about it the last five sessions, and he suspects people might be starting to get annoyed. Also, Harry's hoping that if he doesn't talk, then maybe Liam, Niall or _Zayn_ will, and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't curious about what has them here and so upset.

The only person he doesn't think would mind him sharing about it again is Louis. Louis seems to pretty much let him do whatever he wants, and then gives him a hug or a snuggle afterwards for good measure.

"I got a cat," Zayn says after _his_ usual glaring and _Paul_ 's usual picking on Niall. Zayn was usually the last person to fill the silence, but he gave up waiting after ten minutes of awkward quiet. "Mum thought it would be a good idea."

"Cats are _always_ a good idea," Harry replies factually. Louis laughs, and his heart flutters. Liam scowls like he usually does when Zayn shares.

"And why would she get _you_ a _cat_?" Liam asks before muttering _just_ loudly enough for Harry to hear, "You're no good at taking care of _anybody_." Zayn looks cross, but doesn't respond. It's obvious he's done talking again, like he is whenever anybody asks him a question that's a bit _too_ personal for his taste. There's silence for a moment until Louis clears his throat.

"Well, this is a lively meeting," he says enthusiastically, and Harry laughs harder than he should. And really? This is all really a bit scary for him. He's starting to… he's starting to think a lot more about Louis. Sometimes in ways he shouldn't be.

But Harry thinks Louis is funny, and he thinks he's a bit brilliant, and, really, ever since Louis started walking him home after their sessions, he thinks he's kind of beautiful, too. Is that weird? Maybe that's weird…

"Alright, boys. I think it's time for a reminder about how this is supposed to be a _safe place_ ," Paul says, launching into another one of his famous lectures. Liam rolls his eyes because it's somewhat obvious that this talk is aimed at him and his strained relationship with Zayn. Next to him, Niall's eyes look wide and uncertain, and Harry can't help but notice how hauntingly thin he is. He and Zayn actually both look near emaciated. Liam has big circles under his eyes, and Harry wonders what the hell has gotten into him.

At least he and Louis are still strong and the same.

Well, okay, maybe Harry's a bit different. As he's said, he's a bit more… confused with himself. And maybe Lou has changed, too, but it definitely wasn't for the worse like him and the other boys. Louis seemed to look a little more brilliant recently –brighter- and Harry couldn't help but feel a bit more drawn to him.

He can't even say he minds too much, especially because Louis doesn't seem to be pulling away. Which is strange, but not in a bad way. Harry's not really accustomed to the whole reciprocation of feelings when no one is angry. It's weird for someone to respond positively to him, and it's… Harry just wants to absorb it.

And, yeah, it's a bit scary. Just a bit. Because Harry might, maybe, possibly be starting to become addicted to Louis, and having an arm around his shoulders, and the feeling of fingers through his hair. Harry doesn't think he could continue without someone who knew him so completely inside and out. He doesn't want to think about life without Lou, and it worries Harry because he's never actually _had_ something like this. Not to mention that Harry is just realizing how _fast_ a person can be gone, and the idea extends to Louis.

Except not really because Harry can't even think about it. He doesn't really have anyone close to him aside from Lou. He'd always been too angry and too… _preoccupied_ , he supposed, for friends.

But, really, Harry doesn't mind feeling this way about Louis.

* * *

Niall is so fucking scared. He is _so scared._ He's not dressed right, his hair looks awful, he's far too ugly, and he's pretty sure he's fat enough to break the folding chair Liam has sat him on for the session. Fuck, fuck, fuck, Zayn is going to take one look at him and walk out the door.

He's hyperventilating, and he knows it. He knows Liam can hear him. He knows Liam won't understand why. Hell, Niall doesn't even understand why. He doesn't get how things could be _so easy_ when they were together, but so impossibly stressful when they were apart.

He just felt like he wasn't good enough.

Of course, that's not a surprise. This is _Niall_ we're talking about here. Niall with his awkward body and too small frame because all the abuse hadn't treated his growth well. There were lots of little things about his make up that just screamed _volumes_ about his past, and Niall didn't see how anyone could look at him and not see him for what he truly was because of it.

His entire state showed the world just what others have thought he deserved. Niall _hated_ that about himself. He hated how his own body made it impossible for him to hide. Niall _needed_ to hide. And maybe that's what freaked him out about Zayn so much. Because whenever Zayn looked at him, it felt like he was really _looking_. Like… Like, really, honestly _looking_ at him, and Niall didn't quite know what he meant by that, but it scared him to think about even when it felt _so right_ when it was actually happening.

His breath speeds up even more, and he hopes Zayn doesn't come. He hopes Zayn skips this session with all of his heart because he doesn't want to see him, even if his absence would break his heart. He can't take this pressure. He can't take it. He can't, he can't, he ca-

 _Oh_.

Zayn walks in the door, offering up the smallest of grins for Niall alone to see, and suddenly everything is okay again. Niall feels every muscle in his body relax, and he hadn't realized he'd been so tense. Zayn puts a hand on his shoulder and lets it drag across his back as he moves around him to take his seat. Niall is quick to lace their fingers together, needing reassurance that he's actually _there_ , and Zayn is equally as fast to give his hand a squeeze in acknowledgement.

Paul gets the session started and tries to get him to speak, but he's not really worried because there's Zayn with an "Oi, leave him alone" and a glare.

It's Liam who talks first this week. Niall's at first happy to hear him start to open up. Liam's seemed kind of wrong lately… Wrong to the point that Niall misses him, even though he tucks him in every night. He sees the way Liam looks at him, and normally… normally when Liam looks at him Niall sees worry and hope. Now he sees worry and despair.

He doesn't know what that means, and he's not sure he wants to.

But whatever Niall was expecting, it's not this.

"I'm worried about Niall," Liam says, and he can feel his eyes widen. What? "Zayn's fucking messing him up," his foster brother says accusingly, and Niall doesn't like what's happening. Its obvious Zayn isn't happy either, as there's a giant scowl stretched across his face.

"I'm sorry, what? Last time I checked, I was the one _helping him_. He actually _smiles_ around me," Zayn bites, always willing to let a fight escalate, and Liam snorts.

"Helping him, right. Tell me, Zayn. How is it _helping him_ by scaring him so badly he can't _breathe_ before you walk in the room? How is allowing him to starve himself helpful, for that matter? How is making him cry before he sees you _benefiting_ him?" Liam bites, and Niall feels his face heat up. Shit, Liam.

Niall's _mortified._ This is _so embarrassing_ and _humiliating_ , and, fuck, Louis and Harry are staring at him, and Paul looks curious, and Zayn looks angry for a second before his whole face kind of crumbles. Niall feels him _look_ at him again, only this time he seems to focus on his thin wrists.

"You're not eating?" Zayn asks him, and if there's any good that can come from this situation, it's that Zayn'sasked _him_ a question instead of Liam, which no one ever does because normally Niall can't answer. He nods in response to Zayn's question, and the taller boy's breath hitches. He feels his fingers wrap around his wrist. "Wha… Because of me?" he asks. They're both ignoring Liam, and Niall doesn't care because he's a bit angry at him for sharing what he doesn't want to be shared. "Don't do that anymore," Zayn says, and their eyes lock. Niall encircles Zayn's wrist with his own fingers, a silent 'you too' passing between them, and Niall's ever connected with anybody on the same level that he has with Zayn.

"You'd better not hurt him, Malik," Liam growls form the seat next to him, and Zayn pulls him up into a hug, probably just to spite Liam. Niall's pretty sure he doesn't have any intentions of hurting him. He trusts Zayn.

And that might be the scariest thing of all.


	3. Chapter 3

Louis doesn't think he can go into group therapy today.

He's managed to get himself as far as the door, but going into the session seems to be too big of a hurdle. Louis just… he can't face these people. Not when he has this horrible report card burning a hole through his backpack.

He just can't _think_. He can't think straight, and it's so _frustrating_. It feels like his reading comprehension plateaued back in elementary school, and his math skills aren't any better than an eight-year-old's. He doesn't have the money for a tutor, though he definitely needs one, which means he's stuck. Louis is _so_ stuck. He's sick of trying _so hard_ only to get a shit load of 'F's on his report card. He's so tired of getting just above a fifty percent on every test when he studies for hours straight every night.

He can't quit, though. He can't give up because he's got nothing to fall back on. He has an alcoholic mother and a pitiful collection of food stamps as means of financial assets, and he can't live like that forever.

And he _can't_ go into group therapy. He _can't_ present himself before these boys whom he values so highly. He's so _ashamed_ , and it doesn't matter that these sessions are supposed to be a safe place; Louis feels like a _failure_. He feels like he's let everybody down because his brain doesn't _work right_.

He's standing outside the door, shifting on the balls of his feet, debating whether or not to go in, when he feels a hand on his lower back. His first instinct is to flinch and move away (Louis has dealt with his mother's drunken friends much too long to not be fearful of curious hands), but he relaxes when he whips around to find Liam behind him, an unsurprisingly nervous-looking Niall trailing behind.

"Ready, mate?" Liam asks, and Louis scratches at the back of his neck because _god, no_ , but he nods anyway.

"Yeah, let's head in," he lies, trying to not sound so unbelievably stupid for once. Liam leads the way, and he opens the door to reveal Harry already sitting in his seat, chatting amiably with Zayn about cats. It's all he can do but run to him.

Harry is somewhat absorbed in his conversation with Zayn, but his eyes flicker up to meet Lou's in a second, and his face falls immediately. "Louis? What's wrong?" he asks because Harry's _always_ been able to read him like that, and he takes the question as an invitation to rush over into a Harry hug.

"I… I didn't do good with my grades and stuff," he admits, burying his face into Harry's neck a bit as the other boy brings his arms up around him. Shit, he's so _embarrassed_. But Harry's warm around him, and Louis feels so _protected_. He half forgets that the other boys are there, and he's half hyperaware of their presence because Harry is consuming, and intimate, and everywhere.

Harry doesn't say anything, but Liam does. "You're not stupid, Louis," Liam tells him, and Louis's chest heaves with a shaky breath because he's never had anyone to tell him that before, and even if it's wrong, it feels so _good_. He doesn't really think about it that often, but Louis is definitely thankful for Liam. He always knows just what to say.

"My teachers seem to think otherwise," Louis replies, and Harry snorts into his hair, sending his sandy fringe flying.

"They just aren't grading you on the things you're bright at, Louis," Liam assures him, and Louis stiffens because he can't think of a single thing that he might be smart at even in the slightest, but then Harry is there whispering in his ear.

"I think you're brilliant."

And instantly, everything feels better.

* * *

Zayn is just starting to realize just how much he can't keep his eyes off of Niall. He's never really allowed himself to think about what his 'type' might be (Zayn never really allows himself to think about his preferences at all), but it currently seems that bottle blond hair, bright blue eyes, and soft, rosy cheeks are the only things to cross his brain.

He looks at Niall all the time. Even when he's speaking to someone else, he's talking to Niall. He just can't look away. And it's weird because Niall is broken, and hurt, and a bit crazy, and obviously insecure, but so is Zayn, and there's just something… _meaningful_ about that. He loves Niall, and he can't stop _looking_.

Though sometimes he doesn't like what he sees.

For example, he doesn't like how Niall's losing weight he can't afford to. He doesn't like how the other boy doesn't seem to be sleeping, or how every time Zayn sees him his eyes are red and puffy. Zayn hates the idea of anything bad happening to Niall, and it _kills him_ that he hadn't been able to save him from whatever made the little Irish lad this way, and he hates that he still can't save him now.

Zayn's itching to help, but he doesn't know what to do, which is why he's currently squirming in his seat and wondering if he should bring it up to the group. He doesn't particularly want to talk. He doesn't want these other boys to _know_ things about him. He doesn't want to open up. He doesn't want to be seen as weak. He doesn't want to have _problems_.

However, he's _worried._ About _Niall_. And Niall could make him do anything.

He clears his throat as soon as Louis finishes talking about his classes, thus earning himself everyone's attention. He doesn't like it, but Niall's looking at him encouragingly, so he figures he might give this whole _sharing_ thing a go. "Um… Um… Um…" This isn't going well. "Um… I'm worried about Niall," he says, and Paul smiles at him.

"Go on," the man goads, and Zayn tugs at the collar of his t-shirt before pulling his open jacket tight around him. He's not having a good time. How do the other boys make this look so easy? And, shit, what if they use this as means to hurt him? What if they hurt _Niall?_ Zayn is on the brink of hyperventilating, but Niall puts a hand on his knee, and he calms down. These are the boys. He can trust them.

"Um… well… um… I don't like seeing him… um… so upset, and, um… skinny," he admits, and Harry and Louis give him matching understanding nods from across the circle.

"Neither do we, mate," Harry says, and Zayn's so glad he and Harry have been somewhat making friends as of late because this is terrifying, and he needed another pleasant face in this circle.

"If it helps," Louis continues, looking open and friendly, and Zayn thinks it might be because Harry likes him now and Louis likes whatever Harry does, "he seems to really relax when you're around. Niall always seems to be a mess before you get here." Louis winks at Niall, and Zayn is happy to know he's helping but mad at Louis for selling out _his_ Nialler. He can feel his little blond flushing next to him. Zayn slings an arm around his shoulders, bringing them impossibly closer. Meanwhile, Liam snorts.

"What's up your ass?" Harry asks for him. It would be impossible not to notice the tension between Liam and Zayn, but Zayn doesn't want to fight any more. Harry Styles is managing to earn all sorts of points in his book for helping him out like this today.

"I just don't get why Zayn would be worried about Niall when he's _obviously_ the one doing this to him," Liam retorts, sending a withering glare in Zayn's direction, and it's all Zayn can do to not scream or cry. Instead, he does what he always does and glares back because he _refuses_ to look weak.

"I'm not doing _anything_ to Niall," he nearly growls, and the sound sort of scares him because Zayn's still not used to such angry things falling from his lips, no matter how long he's been putting up this wall of indifference. Liam snorts again.

"Then why is he most upset before going to see _you?_ " Liam questions, and Zayn wants to say something scathing back. He wants to hide like usual and not let anyone in. But… fuck it, Niall makes him do stupid stuff.

"Look, Liam," he says, and his tone starts off angry, but he allows himself to drop it. "I… I really care about your brother, okay? And I get that you don't like me, but I really like him. Like… I _really like him_ ," he emphasizes, and even though he's speaking to Liam, he's talking to Niall, looking straight into the younger boy's eyes. "He actually means something to me, which is weird because _nothing_ means _anything_ to me, and a lot of the time Niall… Niall, um… um… Niall's the only thing that keeps me from, like, jumping off a cliff," he admits, and Niall's eyes widen, and he reaches up to clutch onto Zayn's hand tightly. "Don't do this to yourself," Zayn says too quietly for anyone but Niall to hear, and the smaller boy nods, resting his head down on Zayn's shoulder.

How can Niall _do this_ to him?

* * *

Harry has never been one to shy away from his feelings. It used to be that the only emotion he ever had to confront was anger, but Harry is pretty sure he's facing _love_ right now, and he has no problems taking it by the horns and running away with it.

Louis makes it worth it.

It's really weird to have someone Harry can just reach out and hold onto. It's weird to cuddle and to touch. Harry is pretty sure the reason he's so short is because no one held him even as a baby. (His dad looks gigantic next to him. So much so that Harry is also pretty sure his mother was part dwarf.) It's a little bit crazy to have a person he can reach out to, and even crazier to have a person who reaches out to _him_.

He can't say he doesn't absolutely love it. Harry is actually constantly craving more. He _needs_ Louis. He needs to touch and feel, absolutely _needs_ to. He has years of loneliness to make up for, after all. It doesn't help that Louis latches onto him in much the same way. Harry feels like he's constantly smothering the boy, but as long as Louis continues not to mind, Harry's not going to stop. Even now, as Paul is talking, Harry is two steps away from sitting completely in Louis's lap.

"I'm really proud of you boys," Paul comments. "I think you've really embraced each other and are becoming significant aids in each other's emotional journeys. The companionship you lads have been exhibiting is a great testament to your own investment in healing," Paul says, and Harry understands probably two words of that –which is still more than Louis, not that he'd ever judge him- but he does get that Paul is proud of them for becoming mates.

Harry thinks that he and Louis might be a little bit more than friends. He doesn't have anything to compare it to, really, but he thinks Louis spending money doesn't have on coffee at the Starbucks he works at just to see him is a little more than friendship.

Louis grabs his hand, almost like he's thinking the same thing, and Harry smiles to himself. Whatever it is that he and Louis have going on, it's good for him. Harry's never been happier than he is with Lou. He finally has someone who understands and likes him for who he is, and Harry can't picture his life without Louis in it to be honest. He kind of needs him.

"Do you wanna go to the park after this session?" Louis whispers in his ear as Paul continues rambling on, and Harry tries to force down the blush that creeps up onto his cheeks.

"Love to," he replies quietly, and Louis beams at him, rubbing Harry's hand with his thumb, and Harry sort of feels like he could explode. He loves Louis.

He loves him.

* * *

Ever since Niall was born, he's had people he has needed to impress, expectations he's had to live up to. Naturally, he hasn't been able to be anything anyone has wanted him to be; Niall is a poor excuse of a human being and he doesn't deserve Liam as his brother and Karen as his mom.

Never, however, has Niall ever _wanted_ to impress somebody. Niall is _terrible_ with people; he just wants them all to go _away_. But Zayn Malik is a different story. He wants Zayn to like him. He wants Zayn to look at him and be proud. That's why Niall chose to talk to him that fateful day in family time. He wanted Zayn to want him back.

The only problem is that there are not a lot of people who have ever actually liked Niall. He thinks Liam might maybe like him, but he sometimes wonders if Liam just likes to take care of him. He also thinks that Karen might like him, but she has lots of kids she needs to take care of, and Niall figures she's too busy to actually want to spend any time with him.

So, really, Niall can't help how much Zayn makes him fall apart. He just… he has to be _perfect_ for him, okay? He has to be _perfect_ because Niall is just so _little_ and so _worthless_ that he honestly needs every ounce he can get to be someone Zayn won't hate or get bored with.

And he knows Zayn doesn't like it when he doesn't eat or when he cries, but Niall does _suck_ at being perfect in the first place, and he's trying the best he can. He figures Zayn doesn't want a fat ass as a friend, and Niall can't help but cry sometimes because being close to Zayn just makes him feel so _pressured_.

But whatever. Niall deals with that all the time. Right now, he's more concerned about Liam. Because if there's one thing Niall hates, it's being the cause of something bad, and he's _always_ the cause of something bad, now included.

He doesn't like how sad Liam seemed lately. He doesn't like how it feels like Liam is on the other side of the room, even when Niall is snuggled up in his lap. He _misses_ Liam, and he doesn't know where he's gone off to.

And Niall does have a habit of blaming himself for things that aren't his fault, he understands that, but this time he _knows_ he's responsible for upsetting Liam like this. It's taken him awhile, but he can see it now. He can see how upset Liam is with Zayn. It's not because he blames Zayn for what's happening to him, it's because Liam wants Niall to talk to him. (It's taken Niall forever to understand because he can't fathom why anyone would want to hear him speak in the first place.)

Niall is really sorry. Really sorry and really guilty, and he had wanted to apologize a million times since he figured it all out, but he's _Niall_ , and he doesn't know what to _say_ , or how to say it, so he's been a little stuck.

Until he gets this idea.

It's a pretty stupid plan, but its all Niall can think up. (He's not very intelligent.) As soon as Niall walks into group therapy, he puts a letter he's written into Zayn's hands, praying the other boy will understand. Zayn meets his eyes, and Niall looks at him hopefully, and Zayn nods, standing up and clearing his throat the second the session starts.

"Um, I have a letter written by Niall to Liam, here," he says, hands shaking as he clutches the paper impossibly tight. Niall's glad Zayn understands how important this is. Liam is staring at him, surprised because Niall hasn't even written to him before (his spelling is awful). "Right, so… I'll just read it, then."

Zayn clears his throat again.

"'Dear Liam,

I'm really sorry I'm a terrible brother. I'm sorry I don't talk to you or tell you things, and I'm really sorry that you worry about me when you shouldn't have to. I have trouble talking sometimes because everything I say is stupid or useless, and I don't know why you want to hear me so badly because you're not missing out on much, but I'm still sorry.

Don't be jealous of Zayn please because just because he gets to hear all my dumb shit, it doesn't mean that I don't love you. I'm really sorry because I don't think you think I love you, but I actually really do, so that's a bit messed up, and I'm a bit messed up, and I'm really, really sorry.

I'm so sorry for whatever I did wrong because you seem really far away now, and I miss you loads. Can we please be friends again, Liam? Because this isn't fun, and I hate seeing you so alone when you're not, okay? You're supposed to be my best friend and I miss your hugs.

I'm really sorry.

Love, Niall'," Zayn finishes, and his voice is now shaking along with his hands and the rest of his body, and before Niall knows what's happening, Zayn has pulled him up into a hug and is planting kiss after kiss to his forehead and saying things like, "everything you say is important" and "nothing you've ever said is dumb" and "I'm the luckiest person in the world to be able to hear you".

Meanwhile, Liam is on the brink of tears, and Niall has to physically push Zayn off of him –and he goes because he gets that it's Liam's turn. He tentatively pulls Liam into a hug of their own, and Liam grabs on to him so _tightly_ it hurts, but Niall can't be bothered to move away because it's the first time Liam's hugged him like he wanted to in a long time.

"I'm sorry, Zayn," Liam only says because everything that's needed to be addressed between him and Niall has been said either in Niall's letter or the hug they're sharing now. Zayn shrugs.

"Niall was worth putting up with you," Zayn replied teasingly, and Niall's glad to have both his boys getting along for even a second. Liam buries nose into Niall's neck and squeezes him closer.

"I love you, Niall," Liam says, and Niall fists Liam's shirt.

 _I love you, too_.

* * *

Liam is beginning to realize that he can't expect people to come to him like he came to Niall. Not everyone is good at seeing the need in other people like he is, but that doesn't mean they don't love him. It just meant that he needed to be open and ask for help.

And Liam thinks that's important: asking for help. He doesn't want anybody in their little group to feel like they can't go to each other with anything, and while he thinks that Louis and Harry are particularly good sharers, he worries about Zayn and Niall, and he thinks that this session might be a good opportunity to talk about how important it is to be able to be honest with each other.

Paul seems to have the same idea. "This week, I would like for all of us to focus on how talking to each other has benefited us in our healing. Niall, would you like to start us off?" he asks, and Zayn bristles like usual, and Liam is ready to begin, so he steps in before Zayn can start breaking femurs.

"Actually, I would just like to say that I think it's really important for us all to be able to be open with each other. Because, as Niall's sort of proven to me, if you don't say anything about how you're feeling, then it's going to take forever for anything to get any better at all," he jumped in, receiving a wide-eyed look from Niall, and –oddly enough- a curious glance from Zayn.

"Liam's right," Louis says, and Liam leans forward, trying to show that he's listening to Louis.

"Why do you say that, Lou?" he questions, sounding weirdly like Paul, but Liam doesn't mind fitting himself into a leadership position during these meetings. He's always liked being looked to for help –or just helping in general- and lately it's sort of seemed like the other boys don't mind his input so much. It all makes him feel a bit needed and a bit wanted, and really, that's all Liam's ever lacked. Louis takes the bait.

"Because ever since I've started talking to you lads, I feel like I've actually been able to function," Louis replies, and Liam doesn't even mind when he grabs onto Harry's hand beneath the chairs because all of Louis's attention is still focused on him, and that makes him feel like he's not so isolated. ("I hate seeing you so alone when you're not," Niall had said. Liam's not going to forget any time soon.)

"How so?"

Louis shifts in his seat thinking, and Liam waits patiently. He knows that sometimes it takes Louis a while to connect thoughts in his brain. "Like… Before I came here I blamed myself for everything and debated getting out of bed every day, but now I feel like life isn't so hard, you know?" he questions, and Liam nods.

"Yeah, man. I totally get you. Like… You've got four other people to help you out with your problems. Five, if you count Paul," Liam replied with a grin, and Harry laughed.

"Paaaaaauuuuullllll!" he cheers, jumping into the man's lap and ruffling what little hair the large man had much to his displeasure. Louis starts giggling too because he's never one to be left out of whatever Harry's doing and joins the curly boy in tormenting their group leader.

Liam smiles at the scene, until he feels someone's eyes on him. He quickly looks to Niall, expecting him to be upset and frustrated about being unable to share with the group, but instead he finds the blonde grinning at Louis and Harry and _Zayn_ looking at him.

But before Liam can see if he's okay, Zayn is looking away and staring at Niall's face as usual, like nothing had ever happened at all.

* * *

Zayn feels like he's being torn apart from the inside out. All week he's felt like everything he's been trying to press down is clawing it's way to the surface and it's fucking _scary_. He'd put this shit _behind him_. He'd _forgotten_ about it.

At least, that's what he's been telling himself, but Zayn still gets nightmares and he still shrinks away from every touch, not that he would admit it (even to himself).

And all of a sudden it feels like he's _drowning_. He's so scared the wrong thing will slip out or that he'll start crying and everyone will see how _weak_ he is. It's so bad he's avoiding _Niall_ , which is the last thing he wants to be doing, but he's so afraid that he'll end up spilling too much or scaring Niall off. He can't do that. _He needs Niall_ ; he can't do that.

God, and all of a sudden he feels so much sicker than he used to. His mom, who's absolutely panicked over him already, is so stressed out about how little he's been eating or talking, and Zayn can't even imagine how psychotic he probably looks.

It's all Liam's fault, really. He started talking about how sharing helped him, and then he just had to go and get Louis to chime in, and now it seems to be the only thing that Zayn wants to do. And doesn't he get that Zayn _can't_ share? He can't have anybody else see how _pathetic_ he is. How _worthless_. Zayn is _nothing_ , and he can't let anybody else know. He just can't.

But he wants to be able to.

And it's stupid, and he shouldn't, but Zayn grabs Niall before session starts on Tuesday, and he drags him off to the bathroom before the younger boy can protest. He shoves him into the handicap stall of the rec center, and Niall looks a bit terrified, but he calms down once Zayn starts showing just how fucking nervous he is and running his hands a bit crazily through his hair. "Niall… I… I, um… I have to talk to you," he says uncomfortably.

"What's wrong?" Niall asks, quiet like usual, and Zayn can't help but calm a bit at the sound of his voice and smile at his friend because he's just so _proud_ of him for speaking. He wrings his hands together, but at least he's not on the brink of screaming anymore.

"I just… I wanted… um… why I'm here? I wanted… I wanted to tell you why I'm here," he says, and Niall nods. Zayn lets out a puff of air, and Niall seems to see that he needs some support, so he walks over and grabs both of his twitchy hands, stilling them instantly and helping Zayn relax.

"I'm all ears," Niall says, and Zayn locks eyes with him.

"I'm gay," he blurts, and Niall doesn't look surprised, but Zayn feels stupid anyway. "I'm gay, and, like, um, it's just… it's just that everyone at school, like… they all _know_ , and it's not okay with them, and I'm _so, so_ sorry if it's not okay with you, and I'm trying to, like, stop, but I don't know if it's something I can change, but I'll change it for you anyway, Niall, I'd do anything for you, just as long as you don't leave me, and, I mean, that's probably enough sharing, I should just go…" Zayn says, painfully aware of how much he had just rambled. He tries to leave the stall, but Niall won't let go of his hands.

Zayn's too scared to look back at him, so he shuts up his eyes tight, which is why he's so _not_ prepared for the kiss Niall plants to his cheek.

"I think being gay is a good thing in terms of me and you," Niall flirts shamelessly, and, fuck, where did the mute kid get the balls to say something like _that_? He brings a hand to the cheek Niall kissed. Just like that, Zayn feels like all of his nerves have magically disappeared. "And you can share as much as you want, Zayn," Niall says, and Zayn sometimes forgets that Niall's Irish because he's usually so quiet, but his nationality hits him in full force now because _–shit-_ is that voice _sexy_.

Zayn launches back into it. "My dad knows. He doesn't like it either. And he… I think he hates me, and my mom I think hated me, too, but now she's trying, and it's… it's so forced, and I mean… I know I should be grateful that at least _she_ likes me, but I don't know if she really does, and... um… um…" he's flailing for words, but this is so _hard_ for him, and _so_ embarrassing, and thank _goodness_ for Niall because the shorter boy now has his arms draped around his shoulders, and he's managed to hoist himself on and hold around Zayn's waist with his legs so that he's gone full on koala bear in terms of clinginess, and Zayn doesn't think he could manage any of this without him.

"But you have bigger problems," Niall says when Zayn can't seem to fill in the rest of his story, and he shudders.

"Yeah… bigger problems…" Zayn can't seem to find the words to tell Niall, and the blond plants another kiss to his cheek. Has Zayn ever mentioned that Niall is the most adorable human being to walk the face of the earth?

"You don't have to tell me everything now if you don't want to," Niall offers, and Zayn's a little frustrated because everything Niall says is like… this sexy, husky whisper because he's just so _quiet_ all the time, and he's talking in his ear to make sure he can hear, and his hot breath has got Zayn wanting so much more than a hug from the boy, especially when Niall's just told him that he doesn't mind his sexuality.

Of course, Zayn _does_ mind, so he doesn't let himself want.

"No, I want to. I do, Niall. I just… It's hard because… Niall, have you ever been touched like you didn't want to be?" he asked, and Niall quirks an eyebrow at him, and Zayn mentally slapped himself in the face. "Right, sorry, stupid question. Um… well, if we're being honest, um… My history teacher… Mr. Tarn… um… he'd always give me all these detentions, and one day he, um… he… he started saying 'yes' when I said 'no', and he… he…"

"Zayn?" Niall interrupted, and Zayn happily stopped talking.

"What?"

"I'm really sorry that happened to you."

"Oh? Oh. Um… well, yeah… I mean… I don't like to think about it, so we can… we can just be done now, if you want and um… um… I don't know what-"

"Zayn?"

"Yeah?"

"If I said yes to a kiss right now, would you say no?"

"No."

"'No', you'd say no? Or 'no', you'd say yes?"

"I'd say yes. I'd say yes a thousand times over."

"…"

"…"

"Okay, okay, that's enough," Zayn said, pulling away from Niall and letting the other boy down. The blonde stopped kissing him instantly, hopping to his feet and straightening his clothes a little bit, as they'd been messed up during the hugging portion of their talk. Zayn was a little breathless, and he mostly felt like crying.

Everything he didn't want to want. Right there. In a five minute span of time. Zayn didn't know how he could possibly fuck up this badly, but here he was, failing miserably at being who he was supposed to be. Niall gave him a minute to compose himself before lacing their fingers together. "Too fast?" he asked, and Zayn shook his head.

"I'm just… I'm just…" He didn't know how to continue that sentence. Niall didn't seem to mind and instead gave his hand a little squeeze.

"We can try something more later," Niall said, meaning the words in more ways than one, and Zayn nodded. He let Niall open the bathroom stall leading them straight into the most definitely overprotective foster brother, Liam Payne.

* * *

"Oi, where were you guys last week?" Louis asks when Liam, Niall, and Zayn have all entered the room. It had just been him, Harry, and Paul last session, and he had to admit, it had been pretty lonesome. Of course, Harry was enough to fill Louis up no matter what the occasion, so it wasn't awkward or anything, but the other boys were his friends, so he was glad to see them this week.

Except it didn't look like the other boys were too happy to see each other. Niall looked uncertain, Zayn looked furious and scared, and Liam looked sheepish. The second Louis asked his question, all three boys' tempers visibly flared, and Louis shrunk back a bit, wrapping an arm protectively around Harry.

"We ran into some issues," Liam said, and Zayn's cheeks heated up a brilliant shade of red that could make a fire truck jealous. Harry arched an eyebrow.

"What kind of issues?" Harry asked, and Zayn bristled.

"Liam is an eavesdropper," Zayn accused, and Liam snorted.

"Well, someone had to be there for you when you opened up. You should be glad I was, what with your shit," Liam said, and Louis didn't like where this conversation as going. Liam and Zayn had never really liked each other, but Louis had thought they were getting past that. Apparently, they were worse than ever.

"Yeah. Niall. _Niall_ was there for me, I didn't need you," Zayn spits, fingernails digging into his knees. Louis had no idea what was going on, but he wasn't happy about it.

"You needed someone who could _help you_ , Zayn. Rape is a big deal!" Liam shoots back, glaring until he realizes what he's just said. Liam's eyes widen, and he brings a hand up to his mouth. "Oh, fuck, Zayn, I'm so sorry, I didn't-"

"It's fine," Zayn says, but even Louis can tell he's lying. He'd never seen Zayn anything other than angry or completely infatuated with Niall, but he's pretty sure this is what the other boy looks like mid-breakdown. His shoulders were shaking, and he had brought both hands over his mouth as he sucked in loud, gasping breaths. Liam looks incredibly guilty, and Niall's managed to squeeze himself into Zayn's lap, the tiny thing he is, and wrap his arms around his shoulders. He's repeatedly kissing Zayn's temple, and Louis thinks it's _crazy_ for Zayn to allow Niall to touch him like that. He hadn't realized how close the two had gotten.

"It's okay, it's okay," Louis thinks Niall is saying, but he can't really hear the small lad from all the way across the circle. Zayn is horribly upset, and Louis can only somewhat relate, but he thinks that Zayn might need some sympathy, so he decides to play what he's got.

"Zayn, you don't have to be embarrassed or scared, okay? I used to deal with that kind of thing all the time," he says. Zayn doesn't reply, but he looks at him instead of Niall, and he figures that's good enough. "Not like you, but like... M' mum always had drunk friends ov'r and sometimes they got a little handsy," he told him, and Harry nodded on his other side.

"Yeah, sometimes my dad's friends got pretty close. I mean… nothing happened to me, but all of them were high, so it's not like they were hard escape from, you know? Scary shit," he said comfortingly, and Zayn's breathing started to slow down a bit, thankfully.

One meaningful look into Niall's eyes, and the other boy seemed completely fine.

Louis cleared his throat. "Well… with that out of the way. Who wants to talk about their week?"


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey, Zayn! How'ya doin'?"

"Um… Um… Um… Um… Um… F-fine. Fine," Zayn stuttered, and he wants to kick himself in the face. He just… he can't get a _word_ out, lately. He's so stressed that he's going to say the wrong thing or that someone's going to get too close, and it's ruining him. It's ruining this image he's been trying to maintain for so long, and he can't have that, he really can't. He needs to be strong. He needs to be strong and brave and to look like nothing can hurt him or bring him down.

But he can't because of that _stupid classroom_.

That _stupid classroom_ with that _stupid_ _teacher_ and all those _stupid, stupid, stupid detentions._

And now Louis is looking at him with his eyebrows etched together, and it's obvious that the other boy doesn't believe his answer and that he doesn't trust a word of what Zayn's stammering out, but Zayn doesn't know what else to _say_. He can't tell Louis he's not fine because he's not and then he would _know_. And if he knows he'll find him _weak_. And if he finds him weak, then he'll see all the possibilities he has with Zayn, and he'll see how much he can use him, and Zayn… Zayn just doesn't want to be _touched like that again_.

"You don't seem fine," Louis points out, and Zayn wants to kill himself just a little bit. Why did Louis have to call him out? Why couldn't he let it go? Why did they all have to be so close and able to read each other? This sucked.

"'M f-fine," he squeaks, and luckily, Niall walks into the room at just that moment, and Zayn has a perfectly valid excuse to pull away from Louis and focus on someone else. Except, Niall isn't even that great of an option either because Niall can see how he's feeling better than anyone and Niall knows him better than he knows himself. And Niall is perfect and Zayn is not, and Niall is beautiful and Zayn is not, and Niall is going to be something, and be better, and be okay some day and Zayn is _not._

"Mmm," Niall hums when he comes over as means of a greeting, and Zayn sniffs in response. It's weird because Niall's making audible noises for people to hear, and Zayn's the one holding back tears, but he doesn't want to think about that. He just wants to think about Niall's hair against his neck as he hugs him and how much he's going to miss it when Niall eventually leaves him behind.

And he _knows_ he's shaking in Niall's arms. He knows. And he _knows_ his eyes are probably red with tears. He knows; he knows. But _doesn't_ know how to be more than this. He doesn't know how to calm down. He used to just… be calm. He kept it all in and pressed down and he didn't think about it ever. So he didn't have any practice stopping, and he had no clue how to go about it.

The session starts, and Niall doesn't leave Zayn's side. Actually, he sits in Zayn's lap, and for some reason that's okay with him. He doesn't mind touching when it's Niall.

What's weird, however, is what Liam's doing because, oddly enough, the other boy is strangely trying to comfort Zayn at the moment. Liam's got his hand on his lower back, and his fingers aren't moving, his hand is just there. He doesn't know why that makes such a difference… Whenever people rub his back, Zayn near flips, but this still hand… It's okay, too… It's okay like Niall…

Maybe it's cause it's Liam. Maybe it's because it doesn't feel like this hand is searching for anything. Maybe… well, Zayn doesn't know, but it's all okay, whatever it is. He's unbelievably okay.

"You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be all right," Niall says softly under the sounds of Paul rambling on, just loud enough for Zayn to hear. He searches out Niall's hand with his own and gives it a squeeze when he finds it.

"I love you so much."

"I love you, too."

Zayn's heart buzzes in his chest, it's going so fast. That's not what he had been planning to say, and he most definitely hadn't come to terms with that emotion at all, and _where the hell had that come from?_ But Niall had responded positively, and he loved him, too. It was all actually okay, and Zayn thinks he might be breathing for the first time since he came into the room. "Good," he chokes out, and Niall just smiles at him before pressing the lightest of all kisses to his cheeks. It's so fleeting and soft, that Zayn's not sure if he imagined it or not, but for his own sake, he's going to believe that it was real.

Holy shit, he loves Niall.

He loves _Niall._

* * *

So Louis isn't particularly smart. We all know; it's not breaking news. However, he thinks that Liam's mention of teachers not grading him on the things he's bright at might hold some weight because he is incredibly good at people. And maybe it doesn't take a genius to figure out that Zayn's falling apart, but Louis seems to realize that someone's got to say something about it before anybody else does.

Session is running quietly; no one seems to have much of anything to say. Liam's talking to them as a group and discussing how happy he is with everyone making such an effort to share these past few weeks. Louis is listening with some interest but he has bigger matters on his mind. The second Liam is done his little speech, Lou wastes no time in getting right into it.

"I have something to share, now that you mention it, Liam," he says, and instantly, all eyes are on him. Harry quickly grabs onto his hand, and Liam reaches over Paul to put a hand on his knee, his chair squeaking on the floor as he scooted closer to him. Louis clears his throat. He almost wants to take all his words back at all the sudden attention, but Louis had gotten relatively comfortable talking in front of these boys, and he's doing this for Zayn.

"What is it, love?" Harry asks, leaning to let the hand he was sitting on escape and leech onto the hand he's already holding. It's only then that Louis realizes how long he's taking to answer. He squirms a bit.

"Oh, right, well. I was thinking about what happened with Zayn and Liam a few weeks ago, and I realize I had some similar instances, and I was hoping to share them so Zayn wouldn't feel quite so alone anymore," he says, looking at the other boy anxiously. He's worried Zayn might be insulted or offended, especially considering that Louis's experiences weren't nearly as serious or scarring. They weren't fun, but they were more close calls than anything violating.

"G-go ahead," Zayn stammers, and Louis hates how everything Zayn has said as of late has come out as a stammer. Louis swallows.

"As long as you're okay, man," he says, and he means it. He doesn't let himself think before diving in. "So, as you all know, my mom is a drunk. As you also know, she has a lot of drunken friends, and hanging out with them wasn't always so brill. And it's not even like… It's not like anything serious happened. It's just that some people get a little crazy and horny when they've had too much to drink, and considering the amount of crazy parties my mom threw, it's not a surprise that a couple times, some of that kind of drunk showed up. And I like… near every time, it was just some creepy man or lady cornering me a little bit without ever touching me, but once that wasn't entirely the case."

Louis stops talking, realizing everything that's pouring over his lips. He hadn't thought about any of this in so long, and it's a little more than crazy to be bringing it up now. It takes a nudge and words from his Harry to get him going again. "Come on, Lou. How'd it happen?" Harry asked, and Louis bit his lip before continuing.

"Um, well, I was like… I was just minding my own business, and it was really late at night, but I was thirsty so I went downstairs to get a drink of water. And cause it was so late, everyone was really pissed and stammering around completely smashed. Um… and then there was this lady in the kitchen, and I was too short to get the glasses, but she figured out what I wanted and came to help me. And she sort of leaned over me to get the cup, but once she had handed it to me, she didn't move away. She just like… stood over me, and I was all pressed up against the counter. And then she sort of… let her hands fall… and like… she let them go places that she really shouldn't have, and she was still groping me when my mom and a few more of her friends came into the kitchen too. And then she got kicked out. But yeah. Nothing too serious, it was just really scary when it happened," Louis finished, scrubbing at his eyes a little bit, not wanting anyone to see his expression and know how terrifying the experience was for him.

"How old were you?" Liam asked, hand still on his knee, and Louis took a shuddering breath.

"Ah, about eight," he replied, and all of a sudden, there was a Harry hanging around his neck.

"My poor baby! It's gonna be okay, okay? I'll protect you," he crooned, singing the words more than speaking them, and Louis had to suppress a laugh. Harry was honestly falling off of him as he spoke, swinging on his shoulders a little, and looking up at him with his hair hanging goofily in his eyes. He was adorable and silly, and it was crazy how he could make Louis feel better just by a little bit of unusual behavior.

"You said you had stories like that too, Haz. You wanna make Zayn feel better?" he asked, hoping that he wouldn't have to be the only one to share his piece today, and Harry straightened, a look of discomfort quickly shadowing over his features before he brightened considerably. Louis recognized this as him putting on his brave face, and he was pretty sure the rest of the circle was able to read him as well.

"I do, but I don't… I never had anything bad happen to me. Just a couple crack heads cornering me into the wall, is all. The worst they ever did was like… I would think they were about to, like, touch me, and then they would do something really bizarre. Like… a lot of the times they would like… stroke my head or bury their nose in my hair and fall asleep. It was the weirdest shit ever. But, yeah, nothing too seriously disturbing. The worst was some guy once picked me up under the armpits, held me against the wall, and rest his head on my belly for a ridiculously long time. 'Cept then I kicked him in the balls, and he let go, but it was freaky shit when it happened, you know?" Harry asked, and Louis nodded, all of a sudden struck by Harry.

And it was weird because… Well, he didn't know why he was feeling what he was feeling. Just… The way Harry's voice shook through the entire retelling, and the way he nervously ran one hand up and down his thigh as he told his story for Zayn… something about it… It was so inspiring. And it was so beautiful, and it was so… _Harry._ And shit, did Louis love Harry.

His fingers were shaking just dwelling on him, and Louis ran a unsteady hand through his hair. Harry…. Harry… shit. Shit. All of a sudden, right now, he was everything, and everywhere, and Louis… Shit, _Harry._ Everything about him was so totally overwhelming, and Louis hadn't really let him think too much about it before, but the other boy meant so much to him, he could make or break him with a single word, and Louis just wanted… he wanted Harry so badly, and he wanted him now and forever, and shit… _shit._

Harry.

The unfortunately familiar feeling of his brain being unable to connect synapses and form proper thoughts is back with a vengeance, and Louis can't even _think_ about his Harry properly, he's just too much. He's just _so_ much. It's incredible, and difficult, and Louis is doing all he can to not get sick, he's so overcome by Harry. Just so much.

Liam started to question Zayn with little success, and all of a sudden, group was over, and Louis was still completely and utterly floored. Harry gets up to go, but Louis stops him.

"You're story today… you… you're… wow," Louis said, somewhat incapable of words, and Harry beamed at him.

"You're pretty wow yourself," the other boy replied, and Louis dumbly shook his head. His hands move without him telling them too, one finding a home on Harry's should and the other resting on the taller boy's cheek.

"No, you don't understand, I just… I… I…" He doesn't plan it; it just happens. Before he knows it, Louis is leaning forward and planting a kiss to Harry's lips. And it's not much, but it's something, and Louis pulls away before he can figure out how Harry feels about it. "I need you," he finishes because he so very badly does. "I need you so much."

"I need you, too," Harry says with a smile, and with that he's out the door, pulling his barista apron over his curls and leaving Louis weak-kneed and unsure of where they stood.

* * *

"Right, so what do you think of Louis and I as a proper couple?" Harry says to open up their next session, and he's met with four matching incredulous looks (Paul never shows any kind of emotion).

He's serious about the question, too. Harry's not particularly good at romance, much less his opinions on it. For example, he's been watching Zayn and Niall quite closely for weeks now, and he's not sure if he supports them together or not, yet. On the one hand, they are both sort of a match made in heaven. They're both timid and hurt, and they have the same kind of barriers in the way of their happiness. Facing those hurtles together could make them extremely close, and Harry figured they might each need someone who could relate to them on that level. However, he wasn't sure how balanced a relationship that would be, if both parties were scared stiff of everybody and everything.

But whatever, they could do whatever they liked and it wasn't Harry's business. However, his own relationship was most _definitely_ his business, and he wasn't sure what he was going to do about it.

Louis was currently looking at him with wide eyes, obviously alarmed that he was bringing up their current peely-wally affiliation to their peers. Harry had a feeling he might not exactly like that, but he felt like he had to. Harry needed outside opinions, and who better to ask then his therapy group? They were so honest and able.

He watches as the other boys shift in their chairs.

"I l-like it," Zayn stammers, and Harry wants to frown due to how scared he still sounds, but he offers him a lukewarm smile instead as to not insult Louis or Zayn's opinions.

Niall offers him a thumbs-up.

"I think you two would be great together," Liam admonishes, and quickly looks between him and Louis. "Though… maybe you two should be talking about this alone together, instead of with all of us," he suggests, and Louis makes a whining sound.

"Yeah, maybe we should be doing that, _Harold_ ," the shorter boy grumbles with a glare, and Harry laughs, putting a hand over Lou's face and shoving him back good-naturedly.

"My name isn't Harold. It's just Harry," he laughs because Louis knows his name is just Harry, but he calls him Harold anyway. He figures that, despite Louis's glares, the other boy can't be too mad at him, considering he's still using one of his nicknames for him. At least… he hopes he isn't too mad.

He realizes that maybe throwing the future of their relationship into the hands of three other slightly-psycho guys might not exactly be the best of options, and it might maybe piss Louis off a little bit, but it's too late now, and Harry has already done it.

He's just… Harry's not quite sure what a good relationship _is._ He's never seen one successfully carried out; he doesn't have a set of parents to look to as an example. Harry's spent most of his life alone and literally screaming for attention. He doesn't quite know how to handle a Louis in his life, and he doesn't know if what he's feeling could result in anything good. He needs advice. He needs assurance.

But mostly he needs Louis, and he hopes this decision doesn't ruin anything for him. He coughs into the back of his hand a little bit.

"So you think we should be a couple?" he asks, and he's met with two yeses, one nod, one enthusiastic definitely from Louis himself, and a little scribble in Paul's big black binder. He smiles. "I think so, too."

* * *

Niall is quite happy sitting back to watch Larry Stylinson unfold right before his very eyes. He thinks that it might be the current best part to his week, seeing them so happy together. Sometimes when he's out -which isn't very often now that Zayn doesn't seem to want to see him outside of group- he sees them together, and it's just… it looks perfect.

Niall wants perfect.

All he's working for is perfection, actually, and he's nowhere close to succeeding. He sees how happy Louis and Harry are together and he wants. He wants more than anything. He wants so much it hurts, and it's hard to want something so much when you know you're never going to have it.

Zayn isn't doing so well. Niall knows that he's thinning out, but the narrowness of Zayn's wrists is starting to scare him. He looks a bit different too. His eyes are duller, and his hair isn't as shiny as it once was. Zayn's stopped taking care of himself, and Niall doesn't even know why.

He realizes that Zayn had been through a lot, but he didn't seem to start falling apart until a week or so before he told Niall what had happened. And sure, Niall thought he deserved himself a breakdown, but something about this seemed so… It seemed like there was a link Niall was missing, and he didn't like it.

He's sitting in Zayn's lap again and completely oblivious to what's happening around him. Well, that's not true. He's aware of Zayn's irregular breathing on the back of his neck, and he's zeroed in on Harry and Louis's hands linked between their chairs. He sees how Liam can't stop running his fingers through his hair like he does when he's worried, and he notices that there's a strange sort of arch in Louis's back, like he's caught somewhere between ridiculously tense and completely comfortable all at once. He sees that Paul's scribbling fiercely in his notebook. Niall sees everything.

He just isn't really listening right now.

He's got too many things to think about.

Because what if Zayn's never happy again? Seriously. What if? That could very well happen, his life is so complete and utter shit, and Niall isn't sure what he could possibly make it better. And that sucks. Because he's certain Zayn will never understand how beautiful he is to him, and he'd never see how deserving Niall thinks he is. Zayn is never going to get how much he is worth. He's never going to think he's perfect, but if he did, then maybe he would smile like he probably did before his fucking cunt of a history teacher ruined everything.

And everything sucks because Niall just… he can't explain. He's so ridiculously horrible at a talking for long lengths of time like that. He's bad at saying things. He's bad at everything. And Zayn deserves more than that.

Except Niall isn't going to pull himself away quite yet. He's found he can be a little bit selfish when it comes to Zayn Malik. Instead, he stays comfortable in the taller boy's lap, and forces his fingers in between Zayn's shaking ones. And Niall is perceptive. It's something that comes when one isn't distracted by talking. He knows that Zayn's shaking because he's scared of the prospect of being touched too much, and not by Niall touching him right now. He feels Zayn's jittering melt away the slightest bit when he brings their hands together, actually, and Niall takes it a step farther, bringing the other boy's knuckles up to his lips and laying kiss after kiss across them.

Zayn relaxes behind him and rests his forehead on his shoulder. Niall lets him, happy to have himself a touch in return, especially as Harry plants a kiss to Louis's cheek across the circle. Luckily, Louis doesn't look completely at ease with everything, and Niall isn't too consumed with jealousy. Not like usual anyway…

He and Zayn could have that one-day. If he could just… If he could move this fear of his… If he could just… speak out. If he could just level with Zayn. If he could do what Liam, and Louis, and Harry had proved themselves so capable of and give a speech to show just what he was feeling and just what Zayn meant to him.

But talking has always been so hard for him. It's always had to mean so much, and it's had to be so important… and Zayn means that much, and he is definitely that important, so he doesn't know what's holding him back.

He doesn't know what's holding him back.

* * *

Liam hasn't been able to sleep properly for a while now, and like usual, it's Zayn Malik's fault. Though this time, it's not because Liam is angry with him. To the contrary, Liam is actually quite angry with himself. He just…

He's been screwing up everything. Absolutely everything. Liam hasn't left one rock unturned actually, apparently so determined is he to disrupt and ruin every single relationship in his life.

He didn't mean to spill Zayn's secret. He didn't even mean to yell at him about it. He just… he had been scared that Niall would hate him again, and that Zayn would hate him, and he didn't… He just hadn't wanted to deal with that anymore, and in his defense he'd gone too far and said too much, and now Liam would lay in bed, and instead of that familiar, lonely ache in his chest, there was this horrible, gut-wrenching pull on his heart strings. He was just so guilty, and it was keeping him up.

He didn't even know what to say. Every session, he thought about bringing it up with Zayn, but he saw how distraught the other boy was and didn't want to do anything to make it worse. He would hate himself if he made it worse. He's already done so much to mess up the poor guy, and Zayn probably didn't want his lame ass apologies anyway.

Except lately Liam's been starting to think that maybe he should just say sorry. Zayn doesn't seem to be getting better. In fact, he seems to be deteriorating at a terrifyingly quick pace. He had thought Zayn's cheeks were hallowing out before, but now he was frighteningly skinny. So thin that Liam would be worried to let Niall sit on him, except Niall was horrifyingly small as well. Paul obviously doesn't see either of them as dangerously thin yet, and Liam suspects that it looks worse than it is to him because he cares so much. If Zayn –or Niall- was as underweight as they looked in Liam's eyes, they'd probably be passing out and too dizzy to stand without assistance.

It's just that Liam's worried, really. He's just so horribly worried. Especially because Louis and Harry had tried to help and make him feel not so alone or embarrassed because, yes, Zayn did seem humiliated, and there was something… there was something more than just the fact that he was raped getting to him, Liam could tell… He's not sure what was telling him that, but it was there, and Liam knew in his gut that there was something else wrong… And maybe he just needed apology.

He probably needed an apology.

Liam stands up abruptly while Harry's trying to talk. The curly-haired boy laughs. "You're always interrupting me, but go ahead, mate, you've obviously got something on your mind," Harry says good-naturedly, and Liam kind of wants to kiss his face, but that's Louis's job, and Harry's right, he does have something on his mind, and he needs it off, he needs it off right now.

"I'm sorry," he blurts out immediately, and then hides his face in his hands because he's doing everything wrong. He had been looking at Harry and that's not how he wanted to lead off. He turns to Zayn. "Sorry, I'm actually trying to apologize to _you_ ," he clarifies, and he lifts his head up to see Zayn arch an eyebrow at him.

"To me?" he asks, and Liam nods.

"Yeah, to you, I… I never should have followed you and Niall into that bathroom. I should have let you have your moment," Liam says, honestly regretting that decision with his whole heart. "I'm sorry for being so overprotective. I'm sorry for letting out your secret, I wish I had let you tell everyone in your own time. I'm sorry I've made your life that much more awful. I'm sorry you're not doing well, and I'm sorry I'm the cause of it. I'm sorry you and my brother can't be happy together because I keep getting the way of you two because both of you deserve each other and you deserve to not be so fucking miserable, and I've ruined everything, and I am so very sorry. In fact," Liam says, biting his lip, "I'm actually sorry to all of you because I keep… I keep fucking everything up for all of you. Louis, Harry, you wouldn't have had to say anything about your own sad experiences if it wasn't for me, and I made you rush into it by upsetting Zayn, and I just… I'm really sorry; I'm an asshole."

"Don't worry about us," Harry says, waving him off, and Louis nods a bit next to him, but Liam's not really so worried as to how they take his apology. He's mostly concerned with Zayn and whether he hates him or not. Or if this somehow helps. He's not sure it will, though. Not with the way the other boy is staring so wide-eyed at him.

"It's… You didn't mean to, and… and they were going to find out eventually, and… and everything… well, me and Niall don't have anything to do with you, so don't worry about it," Zayn tells him, and Liam deflates. He had sort of been hoping to be screamed at or something. Anything to get him to stop feeling so horrible about all this. Anything to get Zayn talking.

The room falls silent, and it's made apparent that Zayn doesn't have anything else to say. Liam lets out a huff of air. "Right. Well. Okay. As long as you're okay," he says and takes a seat. It's not long before Harry takes back up his conversation on how his dad had failed to go grocery shopping that week, and Liam feels like they're all right back where they started.

* * *

He'd been so close to the door: so _close_. "Can we talk?" _Shit._

Louis whirled around on his heel to face Harry, chewing on his bottom lip like it was a glob of bubblegum. "What is it?" he asked not without a good idea of where this conversation was going. He knew how frustrated Harry probably was with him. Louis had sort of been blowing him off for a couple weeks now… He had been acting weird, and Harry would have had to really not love him at all not to have noticed.

"What's going on with you?" Harry asked, and allowing Louis to wait for Niall, Zayn, Liam, and Paul to all filter out of the session room before nudging him for an answer. Louis mustered up all his willpower to open his mouth.

"I'm just… I'm confused as to where we stand, actually," Louis said, and Harry furrowed his brow, stepping forward and almost into him. Harry's left their chests close enough so that every time Louis inhales, they bump together, breathing synced like usual. Louis lets his head drop down a little bit, tucking it neatly beneath Harry's nose as the other boy kisses his forehead. It's intimate and overwhelming, and Louis hates when Harry breaks the silence.

"What do you mean you don't know where we stand? I thought we had that sorted…" Harry questions, and Louis snorts, a bit disgruntled because, no, asking your therapy group if you should be together and getting a positive response doesn't count towards sorting themselves out at all. Louis has no clue what they're doing or what Harry wants, and it sucks.

"I mean, like… what do you expect from me here?" he asked, and Harry only looked at him like he was crazy again. "Seriously. Are we together? Cause I'd really like to be your boyfriend, but I don't know if that's what you want. Like… you talked about it the other week like you weren't even sure. And I can't… I can't figure out what you need. I can't figure out what this is supposed to be. I'm just stupid like that. I just… I can't… You're so-"

Before Louis can figure out what he's trying to say, Harry cuts him off with their second kiss, straight to his lips and more than a little consuming. Louis's brain stops. "What I _need_ is you, and what this is supposed to _be_ is a relationship. I _really_ want to be yours Louis, and I hadn't realized… I hadn't realized we weren't sorted out like that. I thought… I thought we've been together since you visited me at work that first time, and then I realized that maybe we weren't, and I… I'm not sure where we started, but I thought it had already happened, and I'm sorry we weren't on the same page. I'm no good at this. I just… I just want you, is all, and I really hope that you want me, too," Harry prattles off, and Louis wants to smack himself for ever thinking anything else.

"God, shit, I…" He hums a bit, trying to get his so slow brain to catch up to the way his heart is beating so he can figure out what's got him near hyperventilating. He wants to apologize to Harry for being so dumb and sluggish. "I really want you as well. Please… let's be boyfriends, okay? Let's be a couple, and everything will be perfect, and we can be together, and we can kiss all the time," he suggests, and a slow, Grinch-like smile creeps up Harry's lips.

"All the time and forever," Harry replied. "I've discovered kissing you to be one of my favorite hobbies."

"Just being with you is one of mine."

* * *

Niall is out of his mind. He is out of his _fucking mind._

"Excuse me?" he addresses the group, tears already having made their way past his defenses and down his cheeks. He tries to ignore the sharp intakes of air from the boys surrounding him. He tries not to cry. He tries to hold it all together. He tries, but Niall's always been a failure. "I just… I have something to say, and I just want everyone to hear it, but mostly Zayn, but also everyone because… because it's important, and you all should know as much as I do," he says all in one breath, and where are these words even _coming from right now_?

He can't breathe, he can't breathe, he can't breathe… it doesn't help matters that everyone is staring at him _so intently_ , and they're all listening _so closely_ , and Niall's whole body is tense because he half expects a belt to lash out at him like what usually happened when he spoke above a whisper in his past homes.

"Yes, sure, Niall, say anything you need to," Louis is quick to say because Louis is quick at everything when he doesn't stop to think about it, and Niall is shaking unbelievably hard.

"Yeah, Niall, talk to us, please talk to us," Harry agrees while Liam looks too stunned to even blink and Zayn's rather close to that level of astonishment. Niall shrinks back into his chair, but clears his throat, determined to say his piece.

"Okay, well, first…" He breathes. It's harder than it should be. "Zayn, you're… you're so, so… you're so beyond. You're beyond everything that I should be allowed to have, and you're beyond anything that I can explain, and you're beyond more than enough for me. And I just… I actually love you so much, and you need to… you need to calm down. You need to relax because nothing's going to happen to you. Not with me anyway. Not when I'm here to throw myself in the way, and I just… I need you and everybody here to understand how beautiful you are and to hear me when I say that you are incredible and I just… I've never felt anything like this before and I need you so much it hurts," he says. "And you terrify me, but that's okay because I love you, and you're hurting so bad, and it's not okay, and I need you to relax. I can't relax until you relax. Let's both just relax, okay?"

Zayn visibly gulps. "I love you too… I love you so much, too. We should relax, we should, but why… why… why…" Niall clamps a hand over his mouth.

"Don't answer or interrupt actually, or I'll never get through everything," he orders, and his whole body is wracking, he can feel it. He turns towards Zayn more in his seat, trying to ignore the other boys watching him in favor on focusing on the boy he loves.

He wants to throw up. He's ninety-seven percent sure he's going to vomit by the end of this, but before that, he's got his piece to say, and he's determined to get it out there.

"So, right, I don't want you… You've shared so much with all of us, even if it wasn't quite intentional, and you weren't ready, and neither am I, but I want us to be equal and balanced, so… so let's do my story right now for you and for everyone, okay?" he questioned, and Zayn's eyes are welling over, but Niall doesn't know why. He doesn't know why he's crying all of a sudden, maybe everything is just catching up to him, Niall's not sure, he's been talking, he hasn't been able to pay attention like usual. Whatever the reason, Niall isn't quite sure he likes it.

"You don't have to do th-" Zayn tries, but Niall cuts him off again.

"I said don't answer or interrupt," he replies a bit desperately, and tears are falling in sheets down his face at this point, but somehow it's still not impossible for him to get words out despite the way every single bone in his body is jittering. "I'm gonna blow through this really fast, so no graphic stuff and no details, and _stop looking at me_ , stop it _right now_ , I can _feel you_ looking, _stop_ ," he yelps, and he's quite aware of how crazy he sounds. In fact, he must seem insane, but that's why they were all here.

He tries to take another breath, but it gets caught in his throat and he chokes. There's four sets of hands instantly patting his back, but he pushes them all of, twisting out of their reach.

"Let me talk, let me talk," he sobs. He feels out of control. This is too much for him. "My mom and dad weren't the worst, they just hit me with their hands and my teacher noticed. My second foster house was the meanest and they would beat me for everything, and I got taken away cause they wouldn't let me go to school, I was too hurt. My third was where I stopped talking cause they only hurt me when I was too loud. Most of the time that was just speaking. If I screamed in pain they got madder. Then I had Liam. Now I have Liam. That's it, I'm done, please don't… don't…" He's sobbing, he's _sobbing._ "I'm _done_. I'm _done._ "

"Yes, yes, you're done," Liam says, pulling him into his lap and kissing his temple, rocking him as he cried. Zayn, meanwhile, sat dumbstruck in his own chair, his jaw hanging lower than Niall would have thought possible and his eyebrows etched together. Louis looked like he was about to be sick, and Harry seemed dreadfully confused. Only Liam had himself together enough to comfort him. "You're done, you don't have to say anything else. You did good, NiNi, you did so good…"

Niall hopes he did.

For Zayn's sake.


	5. Chapter 5

"Come here."

It's the first thing Niall hears when he comes into their group session the following week. It's all he hears from Zayn anymore, and Niall hears from Zayn a lot. On the phone, on his front porch, outside his window when it's late at night and the world is supposed to be asleep. _Come here, come here, come here_.

And Niall always goes.

"I missed you, beautiful," Niall says ever so quietly like usual as he takes Zayn's outstretched hand. The other boy pulls him close and envelopes him, and Niall can't think of any other place he'd rather be.

"I missed you, too. I missed you so much, I always miss you, I need you so much, Niall," Zayn answers, and his voice is so genuine it's scary. Like, honestly terrifying because Niall is actually a screw up and to be so… so necessary to someone is not something Niall has ever had to deal with before. Like… Niall has always been useless, and worthless, and a waste of space, and now Zayn does everything he can not to spend a moment without him, and Niall isn't accustomed to it. He's meant to be pushed away. He's meant to be thrown out.

"I need you, too," Niall says easily, settling into Zayn's lap because it would be weird and cruel if he sat anywhere else. He doesn't know if he quite likes what that means. Niall… Niall is not good at this stuff.

However, despite all of his uncertainties regarding how dependant on him Zayn had become, he couldn't deny how much happier the other boy seemed. Or… okay, maybe happy wasn't quite the right word, but at least he wasn't _shaking_. Zayn used to always be _shaking_ , and Niall had hated it. He wanted Zayn calm. He wanted Zayn safe. He wanted him to be okay all the time.

And of course, Zayn was far from okay if his hold on Niall's waist was anything to go by, but at least he could speak. Before, Zayn could barely talk at all. His stutter was worse than Niall's, and he had _missed_ him. Niall couldn't keep up a conversation and Zayn hadn't wanted to.

He seemed to be on a healthier track for the most part, and Niall wasn't going to leave him if Zayn needed him to stay, and they could make this relationship work. Really, they could. Even if Zayn stopped wanting Niall to touch him. Even if Zayn was scared. Niall was here, and he would always be here, and they were going to be okay. Everything would be okay.

"Hey, Zayn, you doing okay?" Louis asked while coming in, echoing Niall's thoughts almost and clapping Zayn's shoulder a little too roughly for Niall's taste. No one _touched_ his Zayn.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Niall has been making me okay," Zayn answered, ducking to tuck his head under Niall's jaw, and the blonde let him, hand reaching up to tangle into Zayn's thick dark hair almost possessively. Louis beamed. "That's great! That is so great, and it's great of you, Niall, you guys are so…" he trailed off, searching for a word like Louis sometimes did.

"Great?" Zayn filled in, teasing Louis a little bit, and the shorter boy laughed.

"Yeah, that's it! Great. You guys are great," he assured them, going to take his seat, and Niall sighed, tilting his head to whisper into Zayn's ear.

"We're always gonna be great, yeah? I'm gonna take care of you the best I can forever, okay?" he asked, because Niall can't promise he'll always be able to watch over Zayn the way he needs, but he certainly is going to put his all into it. He'd do anything for Zayn.

"Yeah, that's perfect, babe, thank you," he told him, but the words fall somewhat stiffly off of Zayn's lips, and Niall doesn't know what that means or how to fix it. He just hums and leans back more into Zayn, kissing below his ear a little bit and relishing in the feeling of actually being close to someone.

* * *

"They don't ever seem to let go of each other," Harry whispers in his ear, and Louis looks over to Zayn and Niall snuggling across the circle, grinning a bit to himself.

"Yeah… they don't, do they? They're so… I don't know. They're just so cute," he said with a smile, turning back to Harry and brushing a stray curl from the other boy's face. He looks a bit pensive and perturbed: both very un-Harry-like things, and the smile falls from Louis's face. "What's wrong?" he asked, confused because Zayn and Niall really were cute, if not caught up in their own little world, and he didn't understand where Harry's sudden mood was coming from.

He hated how sluggish his brain could be.

"I just… I mean… why don't _we_ snuggle like that?" Harry asked a bit forlornly as he reached to take up Louis's hands in both of his. "I need you too, you know?" he asked, and Louis eyes widened and he threw his legs over Harry's.

"If you wanna snuggle, we can snuggle," Louis promised, and really, they could, because Louis hadn't gotten near enough snuggling and lap sitting and holding in his lifetime, and he doubted Harry had either. Lou couldn't think of a better person to make up all that lost time with.

"Well, now you're just cuddling me because I'm making you," Harry said, crossing his arms with a bit of a pout, and Louis just laughed, snaking his arms around the other boy's middle.

"No, I'm cuddling you because you're _cah-yooooooooot_ ," Louis promised, pecking a kiss to Harry's nose, and this is so, so nice. A smile creeps up on Harry's face.

"Okay. As long as I'm _cute_ ," he complied, and Louis beamed.

"You're always cute," he promised, only for Harry to send his hair flying by blowing on him and he squealed, hands reaching up to fix his fringe frantically, Harry giggling at him the entire time.

"You're always cute, too."

* * *

Zayn understands that maybe he is relying on Niall a little too much, but really, he can't help himself. He just… Niall had said he would protect him. And maybe… maybe Niall didn't understand how much his promises meant to Zayn when he said he would throw himself in front of any danger that came Zayn's way, but that didn't change the fact that they did _mean_ something.

They meant a lot.

And Zayn wasn't good at handling life on his own. Never had been, never would be. There were too many… things. There were too many things to keep track of. There was the disappointment of his family, the disappointment of his peers… not to mention the way his teachers dealt with him. No one could handle how Zayn's history teacher dealt with him.

It's really not fair of him to take advantage of Niall like this, though. Because everything with Mr Tarn… Zayn's aware enough to realise that's over. He's always been aware enough to realise that it was over. It's just that before… before he wasn't confident enough to understand that just because one person thought that his 'no' didn't matter, it didn't mean that everyone did.

You see, Liam knowing, and Louis knowing, and Harry knowing, and… and what felt like everyone knowing made Zayn feel like a seed was being planted in everyone's head. He just… he figured that if one person thought it was okay, then other people hearing it would result in them thinking it was okay too.

And Zayn's not crazy, he knows that's dumb and not true, but at the same time he _is_ crazy, and that had made sense to him at the time.

Luckily he has Niall, though. He has Niall, and Niall made things okay because, the thing is, Zayn _values_ Niall. Like a lot. Like… like just so much, and it's weird because on the first day of these sessions Zayn had hated absolutely _everyone_ sitting in the circle around him, Niall included, and now he couldn't manage a day without thinking about him or talking to him or hearing him. Zayn needed it all with Niall; he was _important_ to him.

So first of all, when Niall said all those things about him being beyond and beautiful, it meant a whole lot more than it would from anyone else. Zayn trusted him. Zayn admired him. Niall was the epitome of beauty, and having him compliment him in such a public way was just… it was kind of ground breaking for Zayn. It made him believe things about himself that he never had before.

Second, Niall sharing his past put things into perspective for Zayn a little bit more. Because, like… Niall was the last person in the world to deserve that kind of shit. Zayn would know. He _knew_ Niall. Niall should be put on a fucking pedestal, and hearing about the abuse his boyfriend-of-sorts went through didn't change Zayn's opinion of him at all.

So if it was okay for him to know about Niall, why wouldn't it be okay for the boys to know about him?

And he could see in everyone else's eyes that they still loved Niall. It was in the way Liam hugged him after, and how Harry and Louis tried to take care of him while he was struggling through his story. No one in that group was judging Niall, and Niall had so many different people hurt him.

It was those two things of what Niall said for him that made Zayn understand that maybe he wasn't meant to be hurt and that other people didn't think he should be.

Now the only problem was trying to figure out life outside of his relationship with the little blond.

It seemed impossible.

Like… like just really, truly impossible because Niall was actually _everything_ to Zayn. He was this indescribable stilling presence on him. Zayn could be so completely worked up five minutes prior to seeing Niall, but the second he had him in his arms everything was okay. It was insane. It was _insane_ how Niall could do that to him, and Zayn wouldn't claim to understand it. He just lived it, and felt it, and ached for it.

Zayn had spent at least a thousand nights lying in bed craving something, hungry for something, but he could never figure out what it was that he wanted and needed so desperately. Sometimes he thought he just wanted to be accepted. Other times fully loved. Sometimes he just thought he needed someone to tell him it would be okay, sometimes someone to cuddle.

Zayn had found everything he had named back then and more in Niall, and he couldn't get enough. This is what he had been missing; this is what he had been waiting for.

So like every session since then, Zayn is going to spend this one with Niall seated in his lap as he listens to the same tales Harry, Liam, and Louis seem to spew every week, only this time it's with a different kind of interest that he hadn't had before because finally he's in a place where he likes everybody, and they like him –like… the _real_ him- and to top it all off he has someone to hold onto.

He really, really, really needed to stop depending on Niall.

* * *

"We gave Zayn and Niall a run for their money last week. Wanna see if we can out cuddle them again?" Louis asks when he meets Harry at group therapy that week, and Harry smiles, tilting his head back over the back of his chair for Louis to kiss his nose.

"Depends. Are you still sure you're doing it because I'm cute?" he asked, smiling at the feeling of Louis's lips trailing along the bridge of his nose and up to his forehead. Louis hummed.

"Yes. Because, as I believe I have already told you, you are _always_ cute, so how could I possibly keep my hands off you?" Louis asked, and Harry smiles because it's not often Louis gets so many words out so quickly, and Harry may or may not take some of the credit for that. Louis's brain works best when it's not under pressure, and Harry knows for a fact that he takes some of the stress off of him. It's a familiar feeling, the tension leaving Louis's shoulders underneath his fingertips. Harry makes Louis feel at ease.

"And how, exactly, am I always cute?" he asked, ignoring Paul's attempts to get the meeting started, and Louis is forced to whisper his answer into his ear, breath ghosting against Harry's skin, and it's warm _and_ hot.

"Well for starters, I quite like your nose, obviously, I just kissed it about a million times," Louis answered, moving to sit in Harry's lap in order to mirror Niall and Zayn. "But there's a million other things. I like how your curls sorta tighten when they come around your ears. You look adorable in your Starbucks apron. You've been greeting everyone with a big smile lately. You stamp your foot like a two-year-old when you get angry. You've big feet, and big hands, and a big body but your personality belongs to someone littler and more explosive. You take awhile to say things. I like your cute little cheeks… I don't know. Everything. But not everything at the same time because some of your things are more just sexy. Like your giant porn star lips," Louis says, and Harry can't hold back a giggle, earning him a look from Liam across the circle.

"I see. That's quite a complete list you just rolled off the tip of your tongue there. I am impressed. I believe you have just bought yourself burden-free snuggles for a year," he said under his breath in response, and Louis pouted.

"Does that mean you're not going to ask me if I think you're cute? I _like_ telling you why you're cute," Louis complained, kicking his foot a little, much like a two-year-old _himself_ , thank you very much. Harry beamed. Sometimes Louis was too much for him.

"You're always permitted to tell me what I already know, I appreciate the confirmation, providing I am always allowed to tell _you_ how adorable _you_ are," he answered, and Louis flashed him one of his million kilowatt smiles.

"And on that note, I think we're _definitely_ winning over Zayn and Niall. Look at them. Actually paying _attention_ ," Louis murmured in his ear, somehow sounding quite proud of himself despite his hushed tone. "And we're over here practically playing the 'who's cuter' game. We win. For sure."

"Definitely," Harry answered, happily nuzzling Louis's cheek and smiling because he managed to snag the greatest guy in the whole wild world despite the odds facing them both.

Sometimes life wasn't all that bad.

* * *

Liam is pretty sure it sucks to be the fifth wheel (even if Paul was there to soften the blow). It especially sucks because Liam's not quite sure what he did to end up the only guy to come into this group and not die of alcohol poisoning or end up with a boyfriend attached to his hip. He's also not quite sure why every messed up person there happened to be gay (Does that mean Paul is gay?), but he's never been one to make a fuss about these things.

Liam mostly likes to sit and stew until he can't help getting upset about whatever it was that had bothered him.

The thing is, however, despite his weird, usual disjointed feeling of being alone, Liam's actually… he's actually sort of feeling okay. He blames Zayn like he does for everything, although this time it's for something good.

Lately, Zayn had been coming over a lot.

Like…

A lot.

Which was fine because Zayn was actually pretty likable and he didn't really do much but snuggle and watch TV with Niall. And even that was fine because Zayn seemed to make Niall happy, and he also made Niall _talk_ , and while it infuriated Liam still deep down that it hadn't been _him_ to make that happen, he really does just want to see his little brother happy. Niall is definitely happy.

Zayn didn't just make Niall talk, either. He made him talk to Liam. Little things of course, not any long stories or even disagreeable opinions, but Zayn seemed to look to Niall for the answers to questions Liam asked instead of the other way around and it was…

It was good. Really, Liam had just wanted someone to talk to, and now he had Niall, and it was just… really, really good.

And he sort of had Zayn, too. Because Zayn really was over _all the time_ , and if Zayn wasn't over, then Liam was dropping Niall off at Zayn's, and there was a lot of crossover. It would be impossible to not have made friends in just the slightest bit, and they definitely did.

Maybe Liam had just needed a new friend to make his life seem less empty. Maybe he had needed someone other than Niall to fill him up. Maybe the group at large was helping him feel less lonely because he finally had a place where he was needed and listened to and thought about and helped. All that good stuff he'd been missing for so long.

Liam found himself good at leading the other boys in conversation and otherwise. He'd always been good at advice, and now people were taking it. The boys asked Liam questions right back regarding how he was feeling and it made him feel attended to. He was always attended to. He wasn't just giving support and suggestions, he was getting them, and Liam was just now realising how nice a two way street could be.

All in all, things were on the up and up for Liam Payne, and it seemed as though he wasn't the only one feeling better.

Liam would have to be a dunce not to notice how much more relaxed Zayn seemed. It was like suddenly all this fear had been swept out of him, and now he could breathe. And Niall seemed a bit more at peace too. He was talking, at least. _Talking_. Louis and Harry were Louis and Harry, and Liam had figured for a long while that all the two really needed was someone to give them the unconditional love their parents hadn't, and they'd definitely found that in each other.

Nothing could go wrong.

They were this little almost family unit, and Liam could see how the group was helping all of them. He could remember the before pictures of all four of the boys sitting in front of him, and it wasn't a pretty scene. They were so much better off. Everything would be fine, providing they had each other. Seriously, _nothing could go wrong_.

"… And that concludes our final session. I'm so proud of you boys, you have truly grown. Please do your best to seek out other forms of support now that this group has ended," Paul closed, and Liam really wished he had been listening to what the older man had been saying earlier instead of allowing thoughts of himself and the boys to occupy his thoughts because _what the fuck?_

"Wait, I'm sorry, 'final session'? What do you _mean_ 'final session'?" Liam asked, alarmed. It wasn't like him to drift off. Why had he drifted off? _Final session?_

Paul shifted in his seat, clearing his throat. "As I've just explained, Liam, there's been a scheduling issue, and the dancers who are _paying_ for this space apparently take precedence over our little 'ineffectual' group," Paul says, sounding clipped, and it's the largest display of emotion Liam has ever seen from their group leader.

"Wait, I don't understand, there's not another time? There's not another room? Isn't there another rec centre? They can't just kick us out," Liam said, a sick, nervous feeling twisting up in the pit of his stomach. This can't be the end. This can't be the sad, anti-climactic, depressing end. Liam _needs_ this. Liam _needs_ Harry, and Louis, and Zayn, and Niall. It can't be over, this can't be the last session, he can't have spent the last session spacing out and reflecting on how much he relied on these boys.

"I'm sorry, Liam," Paul says, and he must look absolutely _crestfallen_ because Paul continues, "Right, I thought you boys might feel this way. Fortunately, we're the last ones here today, so why don't we talk this out?"

Liam is absolutely bristling. "Fuck that! Talk this out? We need to talk _everything_ out, that's why this absolutely can't end. We have to _talk_ to each other," he exclaimed, and it sounded like a logical, comprehensive argument in Liam's head, but out loud it was weak and he knew it.

"Liam, babes, calm down," Zayn said from his spot across the circle with Niall in his lap, and it makes Liam even more frustrated because if this group ends then Zayn and Niall will have each other and _Liam will be alone_. Alone like _always_.

And he knows that makes no sense because both boys had been including him more than any normal couple would be bothered to, but Liam is so sick of the feeling of being left and his family being broken apart. He just wants a place he belongs, and this is where he thought he was supposed to be and now it was _ending._

Liam _hated_ endings.

"No, no, I don't need to calm down, you… you need to start _freaking out_. Think about this, Zayn. What the hell are you going to do without this, huh? You're a fucking mess," he accuses. Liam notices the way all the other boys are staring at him and turns on the rest of the group. "All of you. All of you are messed up, don't act like I'm the only one who's going to be lost without this, you're all _crazy_. You're all crazier than _me_ , so stop acting like I'm the only one here who's nuts, when you're all _fucking insane."_

"Liam, you're not the only one who's nuts, you're just the only one here flipping shit," Harry assured him, but it didn't make Liam feel any better. Not at all.

"For good _reason_. Why aren't you people _upset_?!"'

"It's not like we're going to stop seeing each other," Louis promised, always there to involve himself when his boyfriend was getting yelled at. Harry linked his arm with Lou's almost as if on cue.

"Yeah, Li. We'll hang out, okay? You don't have to worry about it," he promised.

* * *

Except Liam did have to worry about it, and Harry regrets ever saying anything because it's been a week, and he hasn't seen Louis outside of their traditional coffee not-date.

And Harry loves how Louis comes to _his_ Starbucks every morning. He likes when his face pops through the door. He likes scrawling a heart next to his name and writing a cute little note on his mug for when he picks it up. It's cute, and happy, and fun. But Harry kinda misses _talking_ to Louis.

Even more than that, he misses talking about serious things with Louis.

With all the boys, really.

And so far they've all only missed one session – _one session-_ but Harry already kinda feels like he's clawing himself apart. Maybe it's just the idea that he's never going to be in that setting again. Maybe it's just how he and Louis hadn't seemed to have had a moment free for each other lately. Maybe it was the fact that he'd never hung out with Niall, Zayn, or Liam outside of group, and he wasn't even sure how he would go about that.

He's stressed, and it's only been a week, and maybe he should call the boys or something. Maybe he should.

But he doesn't, and he isn't sure why.

* * *

Two weeks went by.

* * *

Three weeks went by.

* * *

Four weeks went by, and things were starting to feel like a Twilight novel.

* * *

It's the fifth week, and Liam actually can't stand it anymore. He hadn't seen Harry or Louis in over a month, and Zayn and Niall were… well… He needed some back up on this one.

It only takes a few phone calls to assemble the boys in Liam and Niall's foster family's basement. It's dark, and dusty, and cold, and unfortunately, it fits the mood of the meeting just fine.

Shit.

This isn't what Liam had been expecting at _all_.

Louis and Harry had always seemed so self-sufficient, and when Liam opened the door for each of them separately -as in they _didn't come together-_ he was greeted with equivalent shocks. These were the two who were supposed to be holding themselves together. These were the two who were supposed to be okay, and nearly healed, and… and… and, well, happy.

Harry was the first to arrive. Oddly enough, the first thing Liam notices is the dark bruises beneath the other boy's eyes. The time Liam spent in group therapy taught him just what those circles meant, and it certainly insinuated much more than just sleepless nights, especially in the case of Harry, Louis, Zayn and Niall.

The next thing Liam notices is the nose ring. "Harry… hi… what…?" Liam's not quite sure what to say, and Harry just keeps glaring at him with the same clouded, angry eyes he had on the first day of their sessions, and Liam retreats hastily. "Zayn and Niall are already downstairs. They're a little… I don't know, I guess you more understand by watching. If you wanna head down, it's…" Liam bites his lip. 'It's fine…"

Harry's gaze narrows underneath his unkempt curls, and Liam can't help but acknowledge how pale and scrawny the boy has gotten. "Is Louis coming?" he asked, and Liam scratched the back of his neck.

"Yeah, is that… are you guys okay?" he asked, and Harry snorted, and – _shit-_ could Liam not stop staring at that _nose ring. Why the hell a nose ring?_

"When you see him, tell him to fuck himself and that I'm not talking to him," Harry said, breezing past Liam and walking through the opened door to the basement. Liam's nervous to let him down with both Zayn and Niall considering how angry he seemed, but it's not the first time Harry's been mad. It's just the first time he's had a fucking _nose ring_ , and, holy shit, did Liam just see a flash of black nail polish?

Liam's mulling this over when the doorbell rings again, and this time its Louis. If Liam was expecting a more positive outcome from the oldest boy, he was sorely mistaken.

Louis was different, but not like Harry was. The shorter boy seemed absolutely miniscule, swallowed by his clothes and shrinking in on himself. His toes were pointed in, his arms twisted together in front of him. He looked scared. He looked upset. Liam didn't have a clue what to do. He didn't think there would be this big of a challenge in front of him. Really he had just wanted to get help for Zayn and Niall. He didn't think all the boys would be coming undone.

Even _Liam_ was coming undone, though you couldn't see it. Not like Harry and Lou, anyway.

"Louis, babes, are you okay?" Liam asked, Zayn's nickname now a common thing to roll off of Liam's lips after spending so much time with the other boy. "What's wrong, you look…"

"I'm fine," Louis answered quickly. Louis never did _anything_ quickly. He and Harry were supposed to be slow. What the fuck?

Liam doesn't notice how long he's been staring at Louis –fuck, he's got bags under his eyes as well- until the obviously distressed boy coughs into the back of his hand and asks, "May I come in?"

Liam shakes himself out of his daze. "Oh, yeah, of course, step in, right this way," he directs. He can feel the tension in the basement with Harry and the other boys before he even turns down the final leg of the stairs, and things only get worse when Harry takes note of Louis.

"Lou," Harry spits, and it's only then that Liam notices the tongue ring. He doesn't want to think about what possessed Harry to get that.

"Harry," Louis says meekly, and he just seems so _small_. What happened with these two? What had happened to all of them? Is this really what not seeing each other did?

And Liam could honestly kick himself for not holding a meeting sooner because maybe then all this could be avoided, whatever _this_ was.

Harry squinted at Louis for a second before stuffing his feet back into his shoes, and Liam notices tattoos littering his arms as he pulls the tongues up to sit right on his feet. "Fuck this, I'm leaving," Harry declares, storming out, and Liam doesn't know what to say to stop him. No one does.

Meanwhile, Louis bites his lip next to him. "You… you know what? This was a mistake. This was a terrible mistake, I'm just gonna go, okay? I'm just gonna go, and… and… and, yeah, okay, this was a bad idea, I'm going home, I'm sorry, Liam, I'm really sorry," Lou says, backing up all the while before quick whipping around and running up the stairs. Liam sighs. That hadn't gone as expected. He turned to Niall and Zayn, alarmed by how tightly Zayn was holding onto Niall and how concerned and terrified Niall seemed.

"Do you boys still wanna have a talk? It looks like you both could use it," Liam offered, and he's dying for them to say yes. He needs someone to listen. He needs someone to hear him and help him because it's been so long, and it's only served to make Liam feel lonelier and lonelier.

Niall gulps and swallows, not saying anything like usual. He seemed to have gone mute again, and Liam's not really clear on the why. Gah, what five weeks can do, eh? Meanwhile, Zayn shook his head and buried his nose into the crook of Niall's neck, an action that only served to make the blonde's eyes water up. Liam sighed.

"Okay. I'll just… I'll just… leave you to it then," Liam offered, climbing back up the stairs after all he needed had fallen to shit and running off to his room for a well deserved cry.

This was too messed up.

Maybe too messed up to fix.


	6. Chapter 6

"Harry, can you please just… can you please just come? Everyone's here but you, and um…" Liam pulled at his collar, sniffing a bit as he tried not to cry, "It just doesn't feel right. Louis… _Louis_ even came, you know? And he seems… he seems so nervous. And I guess I haven't a clue what's going on with the both of you, but it just feels as if… maybe… I don't know. Never mind. But um… we all want you here, Harry. So maybe if you get this message or my last eighty or so, swing on by or something."

Liam flipped closed his phone and tossed it on his bed, watching it bounce on the mattress -face screwing up- before throwing himself down on top of it and punching his pillow a few times. Shit. Shit, shit, _shit_. Why couldn't this just _work?_

All Liam wanted was what they used to have, and he didn't understand why no one else seemed to want the same thing. He especially didn't understand it when everyone seemed to be on a steep descent into absolute madness. Harry was obviously crazy. Louis was crazy. Zayn was crazy for Niall, which had Niall going nuts as well. And Liam…

Well Liam was sobbing into a pillow while three boys waited for him to _do_ something about all this in the basement.

This was _stupid_ is what it was. It's like every niche and nook Liam managed to find for himself disintegrated before he got the chance to really settle in and breathe. Liam was well aware that he needed to feel like he belonged. He got that. He has gotten that for a long time. His problem wasn't figuring out why he feels the way he feels. His problem was figuring out what he's supposed to _do_ with it.

And that's what Liam was trying with these unofficial meetings or whatever you wanted to call them. He was grasping at straws, frantically trying to put together a place for him to stay. Cause, see, Liam didn't know where he fit currently, but he _used_ to have a place with this group. So fucking damn it all to hell, he wanted it _back_.

Harry, however, seemed to have other ideas.

All his up-and-leaving, and tattoos, and piercings, and bad attitudes, and… Seriously, _what even_ was _that?_ The Harry that came in last week was wrong. All wrong. He didn't match what Harry was supposed to be, which -to Liam- just proved how much they all needed this group.

He flipped over on his bed and stared up at the ancient glow in the dark stars on his ceiling. They used to go from pale to fluorescent green when the lights went out, but now they were long since dead. It made Liam think of all the trucks, and action figures, and toys he used to have when he was little. Liam used to smile a lot back then.

But now his stars are dull, and his toys are probably in a landfill somewhere, and Liam's smile has been flat for too long of a time.

Eventually, Liam peeled himself off his mattress and got up to go find the boys in the basement. When he gets there, they're all sitting silently in a circle with an empty place between Niall and Louis for him.

Liam sighed.

He stood at the front and clapped his hands together before starting the meeting, much like Paul used to do. "Okay, right, well, I don't think that Harry's coming, everyone. I called, but um… he didn't answer… I called all week, actually, but he never seems to pick up…" Liam looked at the wide, sad eyes in front of him and backtracked. "But, I mean, maybe his phone is broken or something. We've all got pretty rubbish ones, yeah? Wouldn't be a shock…" Liam proposes, well aware that none of his boys had the money for anything mobile less than four years old, and his excuse for Harry does the trick because Niall, Lou, and Zayn all seem to relax a bit.

"Are we gonna have the meeting without him?" Louis asked meekly, digging himself a little bit deeper into the ridiculously large sweater he was wearing, and Liam vaguely remembered it to be Harry's. Interesting…

"I mean… I don't see why not. We carried on without… without Ed," Liam is reluctant to say, and everyone blanches a bit. "We can do without Harry this time, and maybe we can catch him up when he joins us next week." Liam is met with a chorus of relieved sighs.

Louis squirmed in his seat. "To be honest, I think I'd be more comfortable without him. At least for today. I don't really know how to talk to him anymore," he explained, and Liam kicked at the ground a bit, vision swimming with tears, as he looked away from the sad teenager sat in front of him.

This was all seeming so hopeless.

"God, Lou… What happened to you two?" Liam asked, not daring himself to look in Louis's direction because he wants to be the strong one for him and for Niall and Zayn, and he knows if he looks at Louis, he'll end up crying. The sniffles he hears from where Louis is sitting do nothing but prove his thoughts further.

"I dunno," Louis answered. "I dunno, it just stopped… we stopped working," Louis replied. Liam, meanwhile, catches Niall pat the folding chair next to him out of the corner of his eye as means of telling him to come sit down. He takes a seat while still somehow avoiding looking at Louis. Actually, he does it while avoiding looking at anyone cause Niall's eyes are starting to turn red and he has grown to hate watching Zayn cling onto his little brother.

"Whaddya mean, 'stop working'?" Zayn asked, one eyebrow quirked. He sounded a bit like a little kid. Louis tucked his knees up to his chest, mindlessly playing with his shoelaces. His finger tips barely peaked out of his sleeves.

"I dunno…. We don't exactly _fit_ anymore," he said as means of an explanation before looking up with tears heavy in his eyes and his nose bright red. "But I didn't want it to happen. Honest. I need Harry. I _need_ Harry. Without him, I end up all…" Louis gestured to his pathetic little self with one sweater-pawed hand and Liam nodded, understanding. Zayn, however, snorted.

"Niall and I could _never_ just not fit anymore," he said with a defensive kind of a glare, but the look in Niall's eyes said otherwise. Louis rubbed his nose off on the sleeve of his jumper.

"Okay," he replied graciously, and Liam noticed quickly how tense and awkward things were getting. He wished Harry were there to make everything a bit easier, but he was off doing more important things than the work Liam was trying to accomplish here. He hummed.

"Maybe… how about if we just play video games for the rest of this 'session', okay? Louis? You like Mario Kart?"

"Oh God, please, yes."

* * *

Louis ran up the front steps to Niall and Liam's house, panting as he rang the bell. Rain poured down his face, falling into his eyes and dripping from his hair. Fortunately, Liam answered the door in a second flat. He must have been waiting. "Hi. Shit. Sorry, I'm late. Everything gets a bit more difficult when it's raining," Louis apologised, and he couldn't help but notice how much higher and… and _weaker_ his voice had gotten lately. Liam shrugged.

"It's no problem, man. We weren't all doing much of anything before this thing was supposed to start anyway. Mostly we're just happy you showed up," he promised, and Louis winced.

"Still no Harry?" he asked, and Liam sucked air through his teeth with a hiss.

"Still no Harry."

Louis slumped at that, shrugging off his soaking jacket and taking his time as he unravelled his scarf. He felt completely to blame for how MIA Harry had been lately. It was his fault they were fighting, and it was his fault that he wouldn't come. Louis wouldn't come either if he had to sit and stare at his sorry excuse for a human being for over an hour. He forced his brain to switch subjects. "So, ah… Zayn and Niall, huh?"

Liam let out a big breath of air like he'd been holding it for a while. "Yes, thank goodness, someone notices other than me. It's messed up, right? It's just… it's not… it's not healthy. Not healthy for them individually or as a couple."

Louis shifted his weight from foot to foot (he was just so uncomfortable in every situation he had been in lately). "Okay, just to be clear we're talking about the clingy thing, right? How like… Zayn seems to have forgotten what personal space means?" he clarified, and Liam nodded.

"Yes, just that. And if I'm being honest…?" he trailed off, taking the opportunity to lean in towards Louis and lower his voice. "I don't think Niall quite likes it very much."

Louis frowned. "Okay, dude, I'm sorry for having to question you on this, but like… sometimes I think you get a little jealous of Niall and Zayn's relationship. Like… like, you wanna be the one Niall goes to for support, and I get that, I do, it's just… are you sure that's not what this is, here?" he asked, and Liam bit his lip.

"I mean… if you don't believe me, just watch them when we get down there, okay? Like… it's not… Niall… I dunno. He just doesn't seem to be enjoying it. It's almost… almost like he's stressed out, you know what I mean? I mean… maybe I'm just crazy or something, I mean… I'm probably crazy. But maybe it's something. You can be the judge, okay? Now let me take your coat and things; oh my goodness, you must be freezing. Do you want another set of clothes?"

Liam's big brown eyes quickly become concerned as they trail over him, and Louis bit back a smile. It felt good to have someone fussing over him, much less caring about him. He'd missed Liam. He missed having people other than his dim mother and daft friends to talk to. He thinks this whole idea of Liam's might be good for him, and he's glad he showed up today. "No thanks, I'm okay. You're a good friend, Liam."

Liam pulled him into a hug. "So are you, man. Let's just… talk about the easy stuff today, yeah? No real need to dig into everything. You can tell us about your grades, and I'll spill my usual crap, and Zayn can whine about Niall not talking anymore," he offered, and Louis really did smile this time, suddenly feeling a bit more comfortable in his own skin.

"My grades are absolute shit," he said with a grin before realisation washed over him. "Wait, Niall isn't talking at all?"

Liam merely sighed.

"You've missed a lot, Lou. You have missed a _lot_." And with that, Liam quick hung up his coat and scarf before leading him down the stairs with a hand rested on the small of his back. He kinda missed being touched, if that made sense. Louis grinned as he saw Zayn and Niall, heart swelling a little.

It was nice to feel at home somewhere again.

* * *

Zayn scooted his chair closer to Niall's and draped his legs over the other boy's lap, staunchly ignoring how the younger boy tensed up beneath him. This was how things usually went, anyway.

If Zayn allowed himself to think about it, he would see the vicious cycle he was trapped in. He wanted Niall close again -as close as they were before- but the more he tried to force it into happening, the more Niall pulled himself away. And maybe he would make the connection to how this is what happened with Liam. The more Liam tried, the more Niall backed out. Zayn hadn't been trying for Niall in the beginning; he had let Niall come to him without showing any real interest in the shorter lad at all, aside from wanting him to speak so he didn't have to endure another awkward, one-sided conversation. Now he was holding on too tight, and Niall might as well have been somewhere else entirely.

But Zayn wouldn't allow himself to think about it. He wouldn't allow himself to even admit there was a problem in the first place. Since… since the _incident_ at school with… with Mr. Tarn and everything, Zayn had become increasingly talented at forcing himself into believing false realities.

For example, right now, Zayn was confident that he was content in a happy, fulfilling relationship with Niall, and that the blonde was just as thrilled as he was to be together and still looked at him like he was his moon in stars, despite all of that being a complete and total lie.

"So what's on the plate for this week, Liam? Are we gonna tickle Niall until we finally get him to talk?" he teased playfully, fingers ghosting along Niall's sides but the younger boy merely grabbed his hands and pushed them away. Zayn tried not to be hurt; he tried not to be embarrassed. It was harder to pretend that everything between him and Niall was fine when he brushed him off in front of other people.

"Actually," Liam said, eyebrows set and furrowed together, "Louis and I were talking, and we thought that maybe you would like to discuss how things are going between the two of you and maybe work some stuff out within your relationship."

Zayn's stomach jumped and crammed itself up in his throat. "Why would we need to do that? Niall and I are fine."

Louis coughed and leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees. "You guys seem to have fallen out a bit, like me and Harry have. The two of you clearly aren't working like you used to anymore," he pointed out, wringing his hands over and over, "It's… it's a little obvious it's not all sunshine and rainbows over there, you know?" Zayn frowned. His lip quivered for the slightest half of a second before he shook himself out of it and started glaring daggers at the small and fragile Louis.

"I'm sorry, but Louis, I think our time would be better served talking about _your_ relationship. I'm fine. Niall and I are fine. You, however, are obviously a fucking _mess_ ," he bit back, and Louis sucked in air, like Zayn had punched him in the gut versus just snapping at him a little. Liam, fortunately, was there to intervene.

"Okay, okay, let's just calm down, alright? We're here to help each other _through_ our problems, not yell at everyone for them. This is supposed to be a safe place, remember?" Liam asked, and Zayn couldn't help but roll his eyes. (He turned into a douche whenever he got defensive, he was well aware, but he couldn't ever seem to manage to turn it off when he got worked up like this.)

"You sound like Paul."

"Zayn, do you wanna talk about you and Niall or not?" Liam asked, and Zayn looked at Niall for a while, searching for the other boy's eyes and begging silently for the blonde to at least _look_ at him, but he wouldn't, and it broke Zayn's heart that much more. He took a shudder of a breath.

"No. I don't want to talk about me and Niall. Maybe… maybe we could just play video games again or something. I don't think I want to talk anymore, and I mean… wherever I go, Niall goes, you know?" he asked, and Liam looked at him in a sympathetic way that Zayn didn't appreciate.

"Yeah, buddy, I know. We can do whatever you want, yeah? You just tell us when you feel like opening up about anything," Liam offered, and Zayn nodded, watching as Liam and Louis got up to head over to the game console, and Niall shook underneath him.

"You wanna play, babes?"

Niall shook his head.

"You wanna just stay here and cuddle?"

Niall didn't shake his head again, but he did manage to turn and look Zayn in the eyes for the first time all afternoon. The 'no' was readable in his expression. Zayn rested his cheek on his shoulder anyway, squeezing him tight and not understanding what he was doing so incredibly wrong to make his Nialler not love him anymore.

* * *

Liam hadn't hated Paul as much as he was sure the other boys had, but he hadn't fully appreciated him until he started trying to lead these sessions on his own. This was difficult. This was really, really difficult. Every time he tried to ask a question or get into some of the deeper stuff, the boys seemed to just throw more walls up. It was getting to the point where Liam felt he didn't have a chance. There was too much to sort through and not enough sharing, and really, it didn't help that Harry wasn't there.

The whole group was off balance. There was a difference between Ed leaving and Harry leaving. When Ed had left, it still felt like _therapy_. Liam had come into each session and instantaneously had a feeling of purpose. He still wanted to talk and be open with everyone. But now…. Without Harry…. It was like everything was a bit more casual. Too casual.

Maybe it didn't help that they were just sitting in a circle in his foster parent's somewhat ratty basement. Maybe it didn't help that he, Zayn, and Niall had been together without trying to accomplish something within themselves for so long that now they didn't know how to help each other. Maybe it didn't help that Louis seemed to shrink and melt into himself every time the talked to him.

Maybe it would be better if they just had Harry.

These were all the things Liam was thinking as they sat in a circle, dead silent now for about ten minutes because no one could seem to think of anything to say and Niall didn't talk anyhow.

"I think we need Harry," Louis piped up next to him. "Maybe… maybe you should give him a call, again," he suggested, and it looked like it almost pained him to ask; however, Liam couldn't agree more.

"Yeah…" he agreed, flipping open his phone and pressing the '4' button to make the call. Niall arched an eyebrow at him, and Liam shrugged. "I put him on speed dial… no big deal." Liam had been calling Harry to come over a _lot._

The phone rang five or so times before it clicked off and Liam huffed out a breath of air, debating whether or not to throw it at the wall. Niall made a tiny grunting noise as he dug into his back pocket, pulling out his own cell phone and passing it over to him.

Niall's thought process was lost on Liam for a second. If calling Harry on his phone didn't work ever, why would it work on Niall's? Except, wait, that made sense. Because Niall didn't have much of a reason to share his number with anyone, since he was selectively mute and got too nervous about his weak spelling to do much texting. (Besides, texting cost money, and their house didn't have much of that.)

So Harry wouldn't have Niall saved in his phone. And maybe… okay, yeah. Maybe that could work. If Harry was one to answer to random strangers, than maybe…

It was worth a shot anyway.

Liam quickly entered Harry's digits into Niall's mobile and crossed his fingers. Harry picked up on the second ring, and Liam felt a little insulted, realising he must have been sitting by his phone when he had called earlier. "Hello?" Harry asked, and wow, did Liam miss that slow, drawn out voice. Louis's breath faltered a bit next to him, and he had a feeling the other boy was thinking much the same thing.

"Hey, Harry?" he asked, and Harry swore.

"Fuck, Liam. Where are you calling from? You know what, never mind. Forget it. Actually, forget everything you're about to say. I'm not coming, Liam. I don't know how you haven't gotten that by now," Harry replied, more heat behind his words than Liam was used to, and that's saying something. Harry used to be _so_ angry. Liam cleared his throat a bit, feeling more awkward than he had in a while.

"We need you here, Harry. You… can you just try? Even if you don't want to talk or anything, like… we'd understand, believe me, but we'd all like to see you. We miss you, Haz."

"Who told you that you could call me that?"

"I-"

"Only Lou calls me that."

Harry sounded angry, but… but a different kind of angry, if Liam could say he still knew him well enough to make that call (it had been two months, after all). He seemed more hurt. More sad. Liam wished he could take the nickname back, but before he could apologise, Louis snatched the phone from his hands and put it up to his ear.

"Hazza," he said brokenly over the line, and Liam could hear Harry's breath hitch from his seat on the opposite side of Louis. "Hazza, you… I think you could use some help. And… and _we_ need some help, you know? Like you and me. Us. Cause… cause I miss being a ' _we_ '. All this shit keeps happening, and we're not 'we' and… and Hazza, can you please come? Please, Haz, I miss you so bad, and I just… I… Haz…"

"Louis, I'm going to hang up," Harry told him, and Liam tugged the mobile out of Louis's hands before he had the chance, Niall making grabby hands for his phone the entire time.

"Wait, no, Harry. Niall wants to talk to you. Can you just… can you please just talk to Niall?" he begged, and Harry sighed.

"I… fine. Anything for little NiNi, I suppose," he offered, but Liam could barely hear the response due to Niall already eagerly ripping the phone from him. He was near vibrating in excitement to be on the phone with Harry. "Hey, Nialler. I've gotten some messages from Liam lately. Says you haven't been talking. You just wanna listen to me, or do you wanna say something back?" Liam can just overhear Harry saying, and he sounds softer than he did before. This is the Harry Liam prefers, and he's proud of his Niall for being able to evoke it from him.

"Harry," Niall says simply, and Harry coos on the other side of the phone encouragingly -or at least that's what it sounds like to Liam, but he could be trying to say something.

"Good job, Ni, just keep saying words for your brother and Zayn and things, yeah? I'm sure they really like hearing you talk," Harry says, and Liam's not sure, but from his seat, it almost sounds like Harry's the slightest bit choked up.

"Visit Harry," Niall says in the clipped, quiet way he has about him when he's gone for a while without talking. Harry sighs.

"I dunno if I want to be in the same room as Louis anymore, bug. I don't think I want to see him again. It didn't… it didn't end on good terms with us," Harry explained, and Liam arched an eyebrow at Louis but let it drop when he saw that Louis seemed to be on the verge of a mental breakdown, a massive frown overtaking his face and eyes wet with tears. He was shaking in an effort to keep himself together. Liam placed a hand on his knee, letting Louis rest on him while keeping an ear on Niall and Harry's phone conversation.

"Me," Niall replied. Harry seemed to think for a minute.

"You mean what about seeing you? I mean… I… I don't know. I love you guys, but I… I gotta go, Niall. Hope to see you around, okay?" he asked, and Niall passed Liam the phone as the end tone tolled on the other side of the line. Liam looked over to Lou, wincing empathetically.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" he asked, and Louis shook his head, bravely trying to compose himself before bursting into tears and leaning on Liam, burying his head in his neck. Liam looked over to Zayn. "What about you, do you wanna talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" Zayn asked, but Liam could see in his eyes that he knew exactly what. Liam's been there. Liam's done that. He's gone through what Zayn just had.

"Niall just talked to Harry, but he won't talk to you."

"It's fine," Zayn grumbled, squeezing tighter onto Niall, and it's like Zayn actually believes that everything is okay, what with how adamant he's being.

Liam bit his lip.

This was much, much, much harder than he had thought it would be.

* * *

Harry checked the address he'd written down weeks ago one last time before going up the steps to Liam and Niall's house. It'd been a long time since he'd been here, and climbing the steps felt strangely difficult. He lifted his hand to ring the bell, but found himself frozen just inches away from pressing it.

Harry groaned and ran his hands through his already messy hair, spinning away and pacing in a circle on the front step.

No, no, no, no.

This was a _terrible_ idea. He shouldn't have come. He shouldn't have bothered to even try this again. It was too much for him to see Louis when his heart ached so badly for him, and he didn't want any of the boys to see him in his horribly obvious post-breakup (if it even had been a breakup) rebellious phase. He didn't want them to see him with ink, and piercings, and -okay- maybe a streak of electric blue at the base of his neck, but with the way he'd taken to combing his hair, it was hard to see unless you were looking for it.

He felt stupid. But at the same time, he thought that he might need this. He figured… Well, there _had_ to be a reason for his reckless, moronic behaviour, right? And it had to be a cocktail of things. Because Louis had gone through the same split-but-not-split he had, and he had only wound up a regular amount of heartbrokenness and maybe he was a little bit scared from what Harry could tell the one time he saw him so long ago.

Harry wasn't good at figuring himself out emotionally. He only found himself to be good at identifying anger. Harry wasn't _just_ angry anymore, even if he made a front like he was. He needed help figuring himself out, and before he could regret it, Harry rang the doorbell.

"I- _Harry?_ " Liam asked incredulously when he opened the door, and Harry smirked at him.

"If you keep opening the door like that, I really _am_ never going to come back," he said a bit sassily, if he did say so himself, and Liam just shook his head, ushering him in.

"Sorry, I just… didn't expect you to come," he explained, racing after him as Harry waltzed down the stairs to the basement without looking back. It was weird how this hard, uncaring attitude could wash over him like this. He felt… well, oddly, he felt a bit like Zayn: standoffish for all the world until someone insulted him, and he ended up a blubbering mess.

Well, maybe not a blubbering mess, but Harry was sure he wouldn't handle it well.

Harry was about to say something snarky back, until his eyes caught on Louis, sitting in a chair at the bottom of the stairs. His heart broke into eight million pieces, but he managed to keep it to himself, favouring to scowl at his (ex?)boyfriend. "Haz- I mean, Harry. You're here," the shorter boy marvelled, blue eyes wide and maybe a little bit hopeful. Harry wanted to smack the optimism right out of him. Or, at least, he wanted to make it _seem_ that way. Harry liked his boobear happy, and he always would.

"You wanna talk about us? Fine. Lets talk about us," Harry said, strolling in with Liam hot on his heels, tapping Niall's chin as means of a softer sort of greeting and taking a chair. Liam looked flustered.

"Look, man. We don't… we don't have to get into that if you don't want to. We can just take it easy. Especially if this is gonna be a regular thing with you," he offered frantically, and Harry snorted.

"No. I came here to figure out why Lou just up and _stopped talking to me_ ," he spat, but for all his bravado, Harry feels like a cowering little kid inside. Sorta like how Louis looked like now. Louis frowned.

"I didn't stop talking to you," he said, but his voice was weak and Harry merely rolled his eyes.

"Ah, yeah. You did. You stopped calling me. You stopped texting me. You stopped… you stopped visiting me," Harry said, the hurt showing through his voice a little bit. "You… I looked for you every day and you weren't there. I come to your house to talk, and you told me to go away… If that's not avoiding me, I don't know _what_ is," Harry retorted, fury burning in his eyes but his heart drowning in tears.

Sitting here in front of Louis forced one memory into the forefront of his brain more than anything else.

He had found his way to Louis's shitty little flat and knocked on the door, only for Louis to push him out further into the hallway and tell him that he was too busy to talk and that Harry should never come to his house again, to never come ever again.

"No, Harry, you… that's not what that was about. I… I never got to explain…"

"You know what, Louis? Shut up. You could have texted. You could have called. You could have _visited me at work_. I made your coffee early, you know? So you wouldn't have to wait," he scathed, simultaneously infuriated and depressed by the crappy excuses Louis was throwing at him. Meanwhile, he ignored how alarmed and confused the other boys seemed.

"None of that… those weren't right. I couldn't… It had to be face to face. We had to have time to discuss it, not in the two seconds I put my order in," Louis replied, and Harry glowered.

"I said _shut up_ , Louis. Where even _were_ you? I… _You_ were the one who did this. You _know_ you just stopped talking to me. This was all _you_. You could have _been_ there. You could have waited for my shift to be over. You could have gotten there early. You could have used your piece of shit phone to plan a date and time to meet up, but you _didn't_."

Louis swiped at wet eyes, and Harry half felt guilty for doing this to his baby, but half didn't want to stop because he had been left _hanging_ , and it sucked. He had been told to _go away_ and to _not come back_. Louis shuddered. "No, I couldn't… you don't understand what I was _going_ through. It wasn't that easy."

"What wasn't that easy?"

"I can't tell you."

"Fuck that."

"No, Harry, I mean I _really can't tell you_. It's too much for me, and I'm…" Louis erupted into tears. "I'm sorry that we've gone so long without talking. I'm sorry you've gone and done all of this to yourself," he said, gesturing at Harry's new look, "I'm sorry that I can't explain, but I can't… and… and I wasn't expecting all this today, and you just jumped into this conversation the second you walked in, and I… I didn't know. I wasn't ready. Can we just… can we…?" Louis looked at him helplessly, and Harry stared at him hard for a moment.

He hardened himself, forcing his voice to be completely cold as he spoke. "I don't even know why I came. This was useless. You… you…" Harry said, his icy demeanour suddenly cracking as his voice started breaking. He sniffed tears back. "You _suck_ , Louis Tomlinson. I wish I never met you," he said.

With that, Harry sprung out of his seat and raced up the stairs. He was just pulling the door open when a hand caught his wrist. Niall. Somehow he had managed to untangle himself from Zayn and chase after him.

"You really did surprise him," Niall said quietly in the way Harry used to hear him talk to Zayn when he was first learning how again. Harry searched his face carefully -for what he wasn't sure- before tugging him into a hug. "Boyfriends suck," Niall muttered against his neck, and Harry couldn't help but let out a choke of a laugh.

"That they do."


End file.
